The Day You Stop Romanticizing Men, You See Reality

The Fantasy You Were Raised On

It starts with Cinderella. Then Beauty and the Beast, a beast being tamed by a kind, sensitive, soft woman. Then you mature and the smut books and the dark romance novels take the place of all that. I know we all want to think we're immune to influence. But if you've been consuming that same content from when you were a young child, to a teenager, to an adult, it shapes what you look for and what you refuse to see.

Here's why it's dangerous. Men might not necessarily be interested in those stories, but they do understand that you're consuming them. They do understand that you believe in them. They do understand that you romanticize them. So he sits there and thinks, since she believes in these stories, how can I use these stories to get her to believe in something that isn't actually true?

If he knows he wants something from you, and he knows you want to believe your Prince Charming is going to fall out of the sky and save you from obscurity, then all he has to do is put on the mask of the man you were always looking for. Your guard drops, and a dropped guard is the perfect situation for him to take advantage of you.

Not Every Man Is That Man

I want to be very, very clear here. I'm not saying you can't find a good man. I'm not saying every man will treat you like garbage. What I'm saying is that the man you're looking for couldn't possibly be every man you ever meet.

You know how it goes when you're excited to date, and there's nothing wrong with being excited to date. You meet a guy, there's the smallest inch of a spark, and immediately you're thinking so far ahead. When we get married it's going to be like this. When we walk down the aisle it's going to be like that. When we have children. You're romanticizing a man who literally hasn't done one single thing for you yet.

So calm yourself down. Relax yourself a little bit. The only way to know for sure is to give yourself time to observe his behavior and his actions, and let those tell you what he's really about.

You Get Harder to Play

Becoming more analytical and logical about the men you date doesn't strip you of your ability to love. It's the opposite. Everything gets very clear. You're not sitting there guessing anymore. What did that sentence mean? He typed that out without an emoji, or he used this emoji instead of that one, so what does that mean? Last time he said this and did that, but that didn't make sense either.

All of that stops. Now you just say, wait, wait, wait, I need to pay attention to the actions. The actions will tell me exactly how he feels. The actions will tell me exactly who he is. The actions will tell me exactly what type of man he is. He says he wants to take things seriously and then doesn't do it, and now you know he isn't nearly as serious as he says. Men find it a lot harder to play games with you and play tricks on you, because you have a lot more clarity.

Emotional Is Where He Wins

When a man wants to take advantage of you, he needs you very, very emotional. Watch what happens when you come at him with logic. You did this, you did that, that was inappropriate, and this is why I'm leaving you. He'll say, but you know how much I love you. And you know how much I want to be with you. And you know we were meant for each other.

It's the same reason he brings you a random emergency the moment he knows you don't want to talk to him. All of it exists to drag you off logic, because the more emotional you are, the more irrational you are, and the more irrational you are, the easier you are to use. As you stop romanticizing men, you naturally become less emotional in how you approach dating, and you become that much harder to take advantage of overall.

The Words He Never Backs Up

He tells you he really loves you. He really cares about you. He's really, really, really serious about being in this relationship. Now remember, if you already decided he's your Prince Charming before you got a chance to observe one single thing about him, those words hold a lot of weight. They fit the narrative you already wanted to believe in.

So you start acting on the situation as if he's actually doing these things, when he's only telling you that he will. Then you're confused later, when the man who says he loves you and cherishes you can't book one dinner date, and you're the one messaging him. You promised me we'd go out Tuesday, why didn't you hit me up? Oh, I forgot, I was busy, I was with my boys, maybe next time.

The words never matched the actions. But you romanticized the words, because you were romanticizing the man before he had shown you anything at all.

The Burden of Hoping Again

Here's the emotional roller coaster this puts you on. You meet a guy at work and you flirt with him for five minutes, and your mind takes off. What if we get married? What if we have children? What if we're together for fifty five years and we grow old together? What if he puts a ring on me tomorrow?

Then the next day he's ignoring you, or you find out he's got a girlfriend. Now you're back in the dumps thinking that was supposed to be my Prince Charming moment. I thought I was going to be Cinderella.

I don't want that for you. There's nothing wrong with believing you'll have a good relationship, that you'll find love, that you'll meet the man of your dreams. I just don't want you romanticizing every encounter you have with the men you date, because it's toxic for your mental health to build up every guy you've had one conversation with and then crash. A guy can't convince you he's serious on day one. He can only convince you over the course of time. So romanticize what has actually happened, not what you believe might happen one day.

You Choose the Roller Coaster

You're naturally going to want men who make you feel the way the dark romance novel made you feel, where the character is doing the craziest of crazy stuff. He's grabbing her by the hair, he's holding her off the edge of a cliff, and he's telling her to get on her knees for him right now or he drops her. I've read some of them. They're insane.

Now imagine consuming that, and consuming that, and consuming that. Imagine what it gets you to fantasize about and desire. You end up thinking, I'd love a man who's just so crazy that it's insane and I kind of love it at the same time. Then you go looking for men who take you on that same roller coaster as the characters in your books and your movies.

I'm not here to demonize the novels or the movies, and there's nothing wrong with wanting your relationship to be exciting. I just want you to detach yourself from feeling like you have to recreate one in real life, because books and movies give you a fantastical version of life that could never be sustainable. If you actually lived like that, you'd be exhausted every single day.

The Married Man on the Page

Let's just be adults here, because not everyone is in a perfect situation. Some of you are dating, have dated, or will date a married man, or a man in a relationship, and it's a perfect example of how easy it is to romanticize the roller coaster.

In your head it's a will they, won't they. He wants you so badly, but he can't, because of his wife, because of his children, and she's a monster who won't let him go. You hug in the break room. You text, but not all the time, because sometimes he's in bed with her. So he sneaks out and calls you, and you sneak out and call him.

It seems great when you're reading it in a book, and it's exciting at first. But eventually it becomes exhausting, and you're almost addicted to the fact that it's exhausting, and it's draining you at the same time. Then one day you start asking the real questions. I don't have real happiness here. I don't have real stability here. I don't actually feel emotionally safe. You stop craving the excitement and you start craving feeling chosen.

Stable Men Will Bore You

The man who takes you on the roller coaster excites you, so naturally you'll find yourself bored with the men who are more stable. Let me be very clear, there is nothing wrong with wanting excitement. But a huge part of your happiness as a woman is feeling emotionally safe, and you get that from a man who's predictable, a man you can rely on, a man who you know isn't going to deviate from the way he treats you. And when the stable men bore you, you will always push them away.

Now here's the part you won't want to admit, and I know some of you are thinking you'd never turn down a stable man because he's boring. You wouldn't say it that way. You'll never say to yourself, I don't like him because he isn't putting me on an emotional roller coaster. What you'll say instead is, he's not really my vibe. I'm not that attracted to him. We don't really click. We don't really mesh. There's no spark, there's no chemistry. You change the narrative so you never have to see the real reason.

You Let the Outcome Go

Remember that five minute conversation. Here's what it actually costs you. You're now really, really attached to the outcome that this has to work. Think about the psychological pressure that puts on you.

Every guy, off a first date that went even decently well, becomes we have to be together. This has to work out. I have to have him, there's no other option here. That's exactly how you end up in a very desperate mind frame. Then the second date either doesn't come at all or it goes very poorly, and you're panicking. What do I have to do to fix this? I thought we were going to get married.

He had one conversation with you. That was never a promise, and you're the one who turned it into one. Let the outcome go. This is what romanticizing every man costs you. Every guy becomes the biggest deal in the world.

Dating Is Not a Lottery

Stop romanticizing the idea that your man is going to fall out of the sky, bestow himself upon you, knock at your door while you're sitting at home on the couch, and be perfect. Dating is not a lottery. Romance is not a lottery. The fact that you have a great relationship is not an accident.

To give yourself the best opportunity at a healthy relationship, it means you'll have to put work in. It means going out on dates, experiencing good men and bad men, and yes, going through some tragic situations. The more you're learning from someone like me, the less bad experiences you have to have. Every time you say why does love have to be complicated, understand that anything you want to be successful at, you have to put work into. Unfortunately, that's the nature of life.

Some People Win the Lottery

Women tell me this all the time. My friend was on Hinge for one week. She met a guy, they super liked each other, went on one date, slept together an hour after they met, and now they're married with three beautiful children and they lived happily ever after. And she did every single thing you say not to do, so you don't know what you're talking about.

Let me answer with a question. If three of your friends won the lottery, back to back to back weeks, would you quit your job and play the lottery as your strategy for making money? You already acknowledge that winning is extremely unlikely. Wouldn't that be extremely financially irresponsible?

Great, it worked out for her. That doesn't make it a strategy for you. And a lot of the time you're not even seeing the work she put in, because she doesn't tell you about it. Strategize, have a plan, and execute on that plan. Do you really want something as important as the life partner you choose to be left up to chance? Romanticizing the idea that your man will fall from the sky is a lottery mentality. Not gonna work like that.