Never ask men for these things. I'll be honest, some of this is going to be slightly traumatizing, because it's going to remind you of everything you begged for when you were most desperate to keep a man who was never that serious about you, and everything you asked for in a relationship and never got.
Here's the thing underneath all fourteen of these. When you have to ask a man for something, his answer is already no. A man who actually wants you hands it over before you open your mouth. And when you ask for what he wasn't already giving, he'll often punish you for it and do the opposite. So instead of teaching you better ways to ask, I'm going to show you what to stop asking for, why it backfires every time, and what to do instead. By the end you won't need to ask for a single one of them, because you'll already know the answer before he even opens his mouth.
Asking Him to Spend More Time With You
Ask a man to spend more time with you, and I know that sounds like toxic advice, but stay with me, because you only get one of two things and both are bad. He either sulks and starts treating you like an obligation, so now he's acting like he's being held hostage, like he's a prisoner, or he drags himself off GTA 6 to come see you, telling the boys, my girlfriend wants to hang out so I guess I've got to go, even though he'd rather stay on the game. Either way, you didn't get what you actually wanted, you got a man treating you like a chore. If a man isn't already pulling to be around you, the fact that you had to ask him is the whole answer. Him dragging his feet like that is already telling you where his priorities lie.
Asking Him to Define the Relationship
You already know how this conversation ends before you start it. Men aren't dumb, a little emotionally stunted maybe, but not dumb. Ask him to define things and he'll tell you what you want to hear, or hand you an answer so vague it's really a non-answer. No man's going to look you in the eye and say, actually I'm just here to smash, I'm not taking you seriously, and I'm going to cheat on you. So the talk gives you no real clarity. His behavior defined the relationship long before you worked up the nerve to ask.
Asking Him for His Loyalty
If he's liking every girl's pictures, living in their comments, and DMing behind your back, do you really think asking him to be more loyal fixes any of that? It won't. And I guarantee you, a man's not going to be loyal just because you asked him to. You'll just end up more frustrated as you watch him keep doing the opposite of what he agreed to. Put your energy into observing instead of asking. Watch whether the man is loyal on his own, and let what you see be the truth you act on.
Asking Him to Put You Over His Purpose
I'm not saying you being a priority is bad. But when a man wants to make you a priority, he just makes you a priority, you never have to ask. If you feel like you're the last thing on his list, right at the bottom of the totem pole, the priorities are already messed up, and that's the reason you feel the pull to ask. Here's the other part, and this one's scary. Say he does abandon his purpose to make you his entire world. Down the line he turns on you: I threw everything away for you, now I've got nothing, so how dare you not talk to me all day, how dare you take more than five minutes to text me back. He made you his whole world because you asked him to, and now he's furious you're all he has left.
Asking Him to Drop His Hobbies and Friends
This is the one you secretly wished for, just never out loud. Be careful what you wish for. The moment that man has no hobbies and no friends left, he doesn't chill out, he goes insane, and now he's up your butt crack about every little thing you do. His expectations of you go through the roof, you're not allowed to have your own life, and it turns toxic fast, because now anything you say triggers him, anything you do triggers him, even bringing up your past triggers him, and triggering him will trigger him. Men need to feel purposeful outside the relationship. Strip that away and everything with him turns into grinding gears, you can't even sit down and enjoy each other's company, and now he's the one going please stay with me, please do everything with me, please go everywhere with me, ultra sensitive about everything because you're his whole world.
Asking Him to Change the Essence of Who He Is
When you meet a man, you get a heavy dose of who he really is. Some guys are more romantic, some less, some more adventurous, some not. That's his essence, and you got that big dose of him from day one. If you keep saying I love you, but you'd be so much better if you were more like this, he might adjust for a while, then he snaps right back, because he's always going to revert right back to who he was at the beginning anyways. Stop trying to turn him into a better version. Just be with the man you actually want.
Asking Him to Just Let It Go
Men already bury what they feel, so when you tell him it's not that serious, that's what the kids say, and to stop being so sensitive and just let it go, he starts letting it go real good, and now he lets everything go. He stops mentioning what bothers him, stops bringing things up, stops telling you anything at all. It feels peaceful for a week, until you're across the table from a man who shares nothing and you're wondering why he can't just have a balance. You asked for that without even realizing it, and you trained that silence into him yourself.
Asking Him to Be Another Man
This one slips out when you're frustrated, and a man's ego is a very fragile thing. You say you wish he was romantic like his friend John, look at how John treats his girlfriend. What he hears has nothing to do with romance. He hears that he's not enough, that you don't appreciate him, and that you might want John more than you want him. Now he's defensive, insecure, and doing the exact opposite of what you hoped for. So be mindful of what you're actually saying to him and how he takes it, because when you say I wish you were more romantic, what he hears is she wants John, not me.
Asking Him for His Attention
Would a man who really wants you have a problem giving you his attention? Most likely not. So by the time you're asking for it, you're often not even asking anymore, you're begging, because you feel starved in the relationship. That starved feeling is information, not something you're supposed to beg him to fix. Here's the better move. Stop chasing it. When he won't give you his time, pour it back into yourself, go out looking sexy in exactly what he loves on you the most, a tight red dress, some tight jeans, whatever it is, and let him watch someone else give you the attention he wouldn't.
Begging Him to Want You
You can't beg a man to want you, and you can't beg him to desire you. Think it through, how do you just decide to want someone more just because you were asked to? You can't. You tell him you need him to desire you more, he says fine, I'll desire you more now, and of course nothing actually happens, because you can't just snap your fingers and want someone more. If you feel yourself needing to ask a man to want you, you're already not in the right relationship, and that need is what's telling you.
Asking Him to Become Your Dream Man
You've got a picture of your prince charming, how he looks, how he speaks to you, how he plans the dates. The one in front of you isn't him, so rather than going to find that man, you try to build him out of the one you've got. Can you take me out like this? Can you talk to me like this? Can you call me your baby? You're asking him to change everything about how he operates. The problem is he never intended to be that guy in the first place. You end up spending your life fixated on what you could turn him into, instead of being with someone who already is what you want.
Asking Him for an Apology
This one honestly belongs at number one. When a man wrongs you badly, cheats, or disrespects you to your face, do you really believe he doesn't know an apology is owed? He knows. People who do you crazy know they're doing you crazy, they just don't care to admit it out loud. So when you ask, don't you think I deserve an apology, or what are you going to do to make this up to me, all you pull out is a performance. A man who's truly sorry apologizes and shows it, and you never have to ask.
Asking Him to Be a Man
Some men want to stay boys forever, no bills, no plan, no responsibility, always waiting for his mommy, his daddy, somebody to come to his rescue. If you notice yourself asking a man to be more responsible, to carry what a man is supposed to carry, to stop leaving all the planning and logistics on you, walk away. If you even feel the need to ask this question, walk away. A man in love with being a boy doesn't want to grow, he likes it exactly this way. Don't ask him to change, because he doesn't want to change. He enjoys being a boy, so leave him be.
Asking Him to Show You Love
When a man's falling for you, he shows it long before you'd ever have to ask. So when you do ask him to express his love, one of two things happens. He refuses, which is an answer all by itself, or he says sure, tell me how, and then performs the specific things off the list you just handed him. Now you're over here like boo boo the fool, thinking your man's madly in love with you, when really he's just a prisoner doing his chores. When a man's love is real, he just gives it. You should never have to drag it out of him.
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Questions women ask me about this
- What should you never ask a man for?
- The big ones are his time, a definition of the relationship, his loyalty, his attention, an apology, and for him to change who he is. The pattern behind all of them is simple. A man who wants you just gives you these things. So if you're having to ask, that right there is your answer.
- Why does asking a man for what you want backfire?
- Because you only get two outcomes, and both are bad. He tells you what you want to hear and nothing really changes, or he does the thing while resenting you for making him, and then punishes you for it later. And trust me, when a man does something only because you made him, it never feels the same as when he does it on his own, and he can feel that difference just as much as you can.
- If I have to ask him to be loyal, what does that mean?
- It means the loyalty isn't already there, and asking won't put it there. And I guarantee you, a man doesn't become loyal just because you asked him to. Stop trying to talk him into it and start watching what he actually does. Let his behavior be the truth you make decisions on, not his promises.
- What should I do instead of asking a man for what I want?
- Stop asking, and start watching what he actually does. Notice what he gives you without being prompted, because that's who he really is. Then pour your energy back into your own life instead of begging for scraps. The right man makes it so you never have to ask in the first place, and that's the whole point.
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