Every Manipulation Tactic Men Use to Gain Access and How to Combat It

The Prince Charming Tactic: He Becomes Exactly Who You Described

Early on, a man who wants access to you wants to know exactly what your Prince Charming looks like, sounds like, how he walks, how he talks. The more he can make himself look like that man, the easier it is for you to let your guard down and let him into your mind, spirit, and eventually your body, without him ever having to work for it.

On the first date he asks what you've always dreamed of in a man, and here's where a lot of women go wrong. You get hyper-specific: a traveler, his favorite place is Paris, he'll propose under the Eiffel Tower. He's sitting across from you thinking, whatever I say about my interests, it better be traveling. Then he says, I just happen to have been to 15 different countries. Maybe I'm the traveler man. He doesn't even necessarily have to do any of it. Telling you is enough at the beginning, and now he's presenting himself as, oopsie, I'm exactly who you were looking for, so you should let me into your bed.

So never give him the exact playbook. Tell him what you do and how you spend your time, but when he asks what kind of man you want, be vague. You say, I just want someone who's really intentional, who cares about me, where we know we're building in the right direction. That's the truth, and anyone serious would say it.

Then control the conversation. A lot of women think feminine energy means leaning back and letting him ask all the questions. Huge mistake. The smart guys use your truthful answers to mold themselves into your Prince Charming. So act like you have a million questions for him. Put him under a spell, so he gets comfortable spilling and forgets he was supposed to be pulling information out of you.

Money Faking: He Talks Like a Big Spender Until He Gets Access

This one is brand new, and it's tough to hear. Mature women are less likely to fall for the old games now, so men look at the culture: women telling each other to get the bag and find a trick (a man who spends his money on women), and dancing to songs that say the same thing. So he thinks, why be Prince Charming when I can just present myself as a trick?

He says, I'm going to Mykonos next week for a light little two weeks, you should come. I'm grabbing a light little $80,000 watch at the Rolex store, nothing too big. Maybe you stay at my 10,000-square-foot mansion. If he's smart, he shows you a little: dinner at Nobu, a ride in his nice car, small gifts, just a taste, and he tells you, wait till I buy you a Birkin. Now you're thinking, he's going to trick on me for the rest of my life.

But he never planned to make you his girlfriend and spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on you. He spent just enough to get your guard down, and in a lot of cases, he was trading it for access to your body. Once you sleep with him, the money runs dry, and you realize the trick talk was just there to make your ears perk up.

To combat money faking, never let your eyes light up. Once he sees you get excited about him spending money on you, he'll press that button a lot more, because now he knows your soft spot. You can want a man to invest in you. Just make it clear that money doesn't decide whether he's the right guy, and spending won't sway you if he skips consistency, communication, showing up, respect and romance. The more you talk about wanting a trick, the more he'll speak that language, almost like the Prince Charming tactic. Never let a $1,000 gift or an expensive date pressure you into giving him your body sooner than you would after a regular date. Never give your body or girlfriend treatment to a man for what he says he'll spend on you, and never move to a different country for a man.

Future Faking: He Sells You a Dream Instead of What's Happening Now

Future faking is the broader, more emotional version of money faking: he gets you excited about what the relationship will feel like someday. Men who tend to lean on this one heavy are men already in a relationship when they meet you, married men, and separated men who tell you, I'm about to get divorced, it just takes some time.

He says, don't think about the fact that I'm married. Think about a year from now, when the divorce is finalized and we can run away together and actually go on dates instead of you just coming to my house. Or he says, my girlfriend, it's so bad with her, but a year from now we'll be together. He talks about it as if it's happening tomorrow, but every day you wake up, it's not happening. As long as you believe that future is coming, the excitement makes you respond positively to him now, while he's still not divorced, or still with her.

How do you combat it? Base what you do, and how much you invest, only on what he's doing for you right now and where the relationship is emotionally right now. Not a year from now. So check in with yourself constantly: am I receiving what I want right now, or am I compromising because I'm hoping (hope is the key word) that one day I'll get everything he's promising?

Hopium: The Promise to Change That Keeps You From Leaving

If you only remember one tactic, make it this one. I coined the phrase hopium, and it's a little different from future faking. He's been disrespecting you, lying to you, cheating on you, and when he knows you're ready to walk away, he comes to you as a man and tells you how sad he is. Sad that he cheated for the 55th time, sad that you found out. Then he feeds you hope: from this point forward, I'm never cheating again.

Written out, it sounds silly. But when it's the guy you love and he's convincing in his acting job, sometimes with tears, you're thinking, damn, he really means it. The thing that's so amazing for men about hopium is they don't actually have to change. They just have to make you feel like they want to, enough that you say, okay, I'll give him one more chance.

The master manipulators pair that hope with small, temporary changes. The first weekend he stays home playing video games and calls you Friday, Saturday and Sunday night. The next weekend he says, babe, it's my friend's 30th birthday. Lo and behold, he goes, he gets drunk, and it all happens again. He gave you just enough to make the hope feel real. That's why I call it hopium.

To combat hopium, never believe he's changed until you see consistent routine and pattern changes. I'm not saying people can't change, but a lot of times they don't, and the ones who actually change make lifestyle changes. If he cheats every time he goes to the club and gets drunk, and his plan is to just decide not to cheat, nothing is different leading up to that decision. He had that choice before and still didn't make it. Real change is drastic and solves the root of the problem: he stops going to the club with his guy friends, and when he does go out, he goes completely sober.

The You're Not Serious Tactic: He Pushes You Into Prove-It Mode

This one is hot off the press, and it's working to a T. He knows you want something serious, so he tells you, I get a vibe that you're not serious, you like to play games. Then he tells you how serious he is: ready for marriage, kids, the white picket fence, one woman for the rest of his life. What he wants is for you to trick yourself into taking the action, and feel like it was your decision.

It triggers you, because you are serious. You're thinking, but I'm that woman. He acts like he can't hear you and says, you don't text me that much, you never even ask me out. He says it over and over until you're in what I call prove-it mode. Now you're texting more, reaching out first, planning the dates, going over to clean his house and make him breakfast. You're so fixated on proving it that you forget the actual relationship part, which can become really dangerous.

When you feel yourself in prove-it mode, say, whoa, whoa, whoa, I know I'm serious. Don't let him throw you off, because that's the whole goal. Keep doing what you've been doing, and say to yourself: if you don't feel like we're compatible, that's perfectly fine, I'll walk away. I'm not going to run around like a chicken with my head cut off proving myself. Just like I'm serious, you have to show me you're serious, because I haven't seen anything from you.

Here's the crazy part: a lot of times this energy comes from guys who aren't showing you they're serious at all. They want you so busy proving yourself that you never ask, has he even proven himself to me?

The Ex-Girlfriend Comparison: Living Up to the Ghost of His Ex

I'll be honest with you, this one mostly works on women who are more insecure. He brings his ex up conveniently, when he wants something you seem unwilling to do. On a date he cherry-picks a story: I was madly in love with her, it was love at first sight, so we slept together the very first night, and it was a great relationship. The very first night. Did you hear that?

He never has to say he expects you to sleep with him on the first night, because that wouldn't work as well. He's just letting you know the woman he loved the most, he slept with on night one. If you're always seeking validation from the guys you date, now you feel pressure to live up to the ghost of his ex. You're thinking, if I don't do what she did, or one-up her, he'll love her more than me.

So step on this early, every time he tries to sneak it in. You say, it's great that she did that, but I'm not your ex-girlfriend. If your expectation is that I'll be more like her, you're better off just being with her. I have zero, zero interest in being someone I'm not. If I'm comfortable with it, I'll do it. If it's not part of my morals and values, I won't, and I won't feel bad about it. I'm happy being me, so if your goal is to turn me into her, let's not waste either of our time.

Love Bombing: The Excitement He Needs You to Mirror

Love bombing isn't just a guy saying he's super in love with you. It's more tactical than that. He pours it on thick at the very beginning: you're the love of my life, it was love at first sight, I want to marry you. What he really wants is for you to mirror that excitement. You kind of like him, you think he's cute, but you don't feel what he feels, so you feel kind of guilty for not being on his level.

So you push yourself: yeah, we're in love, I want to get married too. You don't genuinely feel it. You're pressured into it, because having someone that infatuated with you is intoxicating, and you're scared his interest drops if you don't match it. He starts with the emotion, then moves into the actions he wants, and a lot of times that's getting you to sleep with him way earlier. Once he's gotten what he wanted, he pulls it back.

You combat it by checking in with yourself. I'm not saying you need to deny he's in love with you, but be aware you naturally want to match his excitement, and be honest about where you were mentally when you met him. If you've been lonely and haven't dated in a long time, it hits you harder. Ask yourself: does it actually make sense for me to be madly in love with him too? Is he actually in love with me, or is this infatuation, or lust? Tell yourself: I'm not receiving this as magical fairy dust love, because if I act on it and it's only infatuation or lust, the person who gets hurt is me.

Give yourself a couple of days away from him, not speaking to him, to evaluate how you actually feel. This is exactly why I say marathon dates, seeing him over and over with no break, are a must not.

Breadcrumbing: Attention That Only Shows Up When He Wants Something

When he knows you love validation and attention, he won't give it to you all the time. He gives you just enough to keep you hooked, never enough for the relationship to move forward, and only when he wants to extract something.

He texts or FaceTimes you out of the blue, and you're thinking, he usually doesn't text me, what does he want? He runs with that intrigue: I kind of miss you, it's Saturday night and my place is wide open, maybe you come over and bake some cookies. The cookies are just his excuse. You go over, you sleep with him, you go home, and you don't hear from him, not even to check you got home safe, until the next time he wants access. Sometimes it comes attached to an emergency: I'm in the hospital, I need you, this is really important. That way you feel like you must respond.

Don't give attention to men who are inconsistent with you. Once you see he only reaches out when it's time to extract something, never respond. Not the FaceTime, not the random question you feel obligated to answer, not whatever he does to trigger you. His goal is to keep the roller coaster going, so you're always starving for more attention and keep giving him access to get it.