When Men Say This, They’re Always Lying.

I'm Not Sure What I Want

The context: you're frustrated with the lack of progress, you ask why he won't commit, and he says, I'm just not sure what I want. Here's the truth that changes this forever. When men know they want to be with you, they take action. When they know they don't, they don't. And when men are unsure? They also don't take action.

So whether he wants to be with you is not a weighted scale where it's yes and kind of no at the same time. It's a light switch. On or off. When he says I'm not sure what I want in this context, what he really said is, I don't want you. Because if he truly wanted you, he would be sure of it. The motivation is hope: hope that one day his not sure turns into I want you. But men don't meet women and slowly warm up to the idea of a relationship. We decide we want a relationship, and then we go find the woman who fits.

I Don't Like Talking About the Past

You're on a date and you ask a normal, curious question: why did your last relationship end? He says, I don't like talking about the past. A lot of guys add sauce: I just want to focus my energy on you and what we have in the present. That addition is doing something to you emotionally. You start feeling, he's right, why am I asking about these irrelevant girls? I'm his present and his future. The moment you feel that, you've fallen for the trap.

Men lie about this because detailed stories about previous relationships would clue you in to what type of man he actually is. A man who knows he's a cheater or a manipulator keeps those stories away from you so you don't get a head start on his character until you experience it firsthand. Spot the bad traits at the beginning, and walking away is easy. Discover them months in, after he's gotten your intimacy, your girlfriend treatment, and your investment, and walking away is much harder. Which is exactly what he wants.

I Don't Even Like When Girls Wear Makeup

He watches you do your foundation, contour, and setting spray, and says, you don't need all that, I prefer natural. It sounds like a compliment, but this is one of those times you can't listen to what men say, only to what they respond to. Most men don't even know what natural is. He scrolls Instagram believing his favorite model really wakes up looking like her messy-bun picture, never realizing that's Facetune, angles, and lighting. That's the natural he's comparing you to.

You believe him, you put less energy into your appearance, and instead of the response you expected, he comments on the pimple on your forehead or how tired you look at dinner. That's when you realize it was a lie. Usually not malicious, just misguided: men are attracted to women who put effort into their appearance while appearing not to. He doesn't understand that about himself. You should.

Right Person Wrong Time, and I'm Focused on My Grind

These two lies are cousins: both invent an outside force to escape accountability. The first shows up after months of ghosting and inconsistency, when you're crying in a parking lot and he hits you with the puppy dog face: you're the right woman for me, just not at the right time. He's painting a narrative that some external obstacle he can't control is stopping him from doing what he supposedly wants. His inconsistency isn't his choice anymore, it's work stress, it's timing. You go from upset with him to feeling sorry for him, taking his side against the evil obstacle. And once you accept that, you've handed him a license to stay inconsistent with the same excuse.

Here's why it's always a lie: if you were truly the right woman, he would make it the right time. Men were built to be problem solvers. When a man truly desires a woman and an obstacle appears, he figures out how to overcome it. When the desire isn't there, he doesn't, and he inflates the obstacle to hide that he never wanted to.

The grind version works the same way. A week and a half of barely texting, you call out the lack of effort, and he says, I'm just locked in on my grind right now. The grind part might even be true. The lie is using it as the reason there's no effort, because the grind only gets in the way if he decides it's allowed to. And it's a brilliant lie, because it makes him look like a hero chasing greatness and makes understanding feel like your only acceptable response. Then he no-shows your dinner date, blames the grind, and you've already agreed his priorities can never be you.

I'm Not a Planner, I'm Just Spontaneous

The context: everything with this guy is last minute. He asks you out an hour before the date and pulls up to a busy restaurant praying for a magical reservation. When you finally ask him to plan ahead, he says, I'm just more spontaneous and adventurous, planning isn't my strong suit.

Narratives are everything, and a man skilled at changing the narrative has you experiencing bad things while perceiving them as good. That's what this is. His last-minute behavior stops looking like a lack of respect for your time and starts looking like the charming quirk of a guy whose life is too exciting to plan. Once you buy it, the Saturday 1:30 a.m. call after a week of silence becomes another fun adventure, when you should have taken it as extreme disrespect from a man who only remembered your number when the club closed.

The Lies He Tells When You Catch Him

When men say, I don't even find other women attractive, it's always a lie. Single or in a relationship with you, a man is still attracted to women. Never let one convince you otherwise. This lie comes out when you catch him liking some random girl's pictures and confront him. Instead of answering, he tells you no other woman even registers to him. Good manipulators know that flooding you with conflicting emotions mid-confrontation leaves you too confused to press. You came in angry, and suddenly you're feeling validated, special, chosen. That validation is designed to neutralize your anger and blur the conversation until you forget the topic was his behavior.

Its partner lie is, I didn't tell you because I didn't want to upset you. He saw his ex at the club, talked with her in her car for two hours, and said nothing until your detective work dragged it out of him. Now he needs to not look sneaky, so he plays the hero: he was going to tell you, he just cares about your feelings too much to hurt you. Broken down like that, the logic sounds silly, because it is. If he truly cared about you, he would have told you the truth without an interrogation. The fact that you had to pull it out of him tells you everything about why he hid it.

If I Wasn't With Her, I'd Be With You

I dislike this one the most because it comes in the worst context. Based on the private questions I receive, a lot of women end up entangled with men who are married or in relationships. When you're the other woman, he'll paint his relationship as the worst ever, tell you how unattracted he is to her, then deliver the most impactful lie: if I wasn't with her, I'd be with you instead.

He says it because hope is what keeps this arrangement alive. As long as you believe one day you'll be promoted to girlfriend or wife, you keep giving him intimate access you'd never give if you knew the truth. And the truth is, he is never leaving her. Understand what his behavior is actually saying: he likes the arrangement because you accept being had while he prioritizes a whole other woman. Stop being a resource he pulls from.

I Will Change for You

Men use this one so often it's almost comical. Let me tell you right now: men never change for you. Men only change for themselves, and only when they're in enough pain that change feels like the only way to stop it. The context: you tell the guy who gets blackout drunk every weekend that his lifestyle doesn't line up with yours and you'd rather go separate ways, and he begs. Give me another chance, I promise I'll change.

It feels amazing: I must be his dream woman if he's ready to put away all his bad habits for me. But watch the mechanics. He didn't stop drinking because he felt he was wasting his life. He stopped to prevent you from walking out, because losing you was the pain. So the moment he has you back, the pain is gone, and with it, the entire motivation. Two weeks later, you realize the man who swore he'd change hasn't changed a single thing. He never intended to. He just intended to keep you.