Stop listening to anything men say. I know that sounds really weird coming from a man, but as a man, I know that if you believe everything men tell you, you'll be left hurt and confused, because what men say and what men do are two totally different worlds. In some scenarios, what a man says to you is actually designed to deceive you.
So now you're probably saying, okay, I'll just pay attention to his actions. But which actions? We're going to focus on the most revealing actions, character traits, and patterns of behavior, so his nonverbal cues tell you everything before his words can confuse you.
Stop Listening to I Love You
We start with the hardest pill to swallow. From now on, the word I love you means nothing to you. The action I love you is all you care about. When a man desires a woman, the things that make her happy automatically go to the top of his priority list. You love matcha? Suddenly there's matcha at his place when you come over. You like being outdoors? Suddenly he wants to hike with you. All you need to know about whether a man loves you is how often he's doing things to make your life better, easier, and more convenient.
And here's some brutal honesty: this process is extremely natural to men. He doesn't have to force himself to prioritize your happiness when the feelings are real. So if a guy tells you over and over how much he adores you, but you have to pull teeth to get him to take any action that improves your life, the I love yous mean absolutely nothing.
Loyalty Is a Character Trait, Not a Promise
Every guy will tell you he'd never cheat in a million years, that you're the only woman he sees. But we're not listening to what men say anymore. I want you to stop thinking of loyalty as a choice and start looking at it as a character trait. Then it becomes exponentially easier to spot the men who are actually loyal versus the men who just talk about being loyal.
Look at the rest of his life. How long has he kept his closest friendships, or is he constantly falling out with so-called friends and finding new groups? Does he go behind his friends' backs? At work, is he always cheating the system, scheming to get more while doing less, benefiting himself at other people's expense? When a man is loyal to his friends, his family, and his job, bringing that loyalty into a relationship is easy. But if a man has no loyalty to anything outside of himself, it is quite literally impossible for him to suddenly have it with you.
Future Faking: If It Hasn't Happened, It Isn't Real
The easiest words to fall for are the ones about the future. Men are experts at telling you what you want to hear, and he knows that describing the magical five-star dinner he's going to take you to will get you imagining the whole night, the dress, the romance. That's what makes it dangerous: you receive the dopamine as if he actually did those things. Multiply that across every plan he describes and never delivers, and your mind starts believing he's doing far more for you than he's doing in reality.
When a man talks about the future, remind yourself: until it actually happens, it is not real. It's a hypothetical. I don't care how extravagant it sounds or if it's supposedly happening in the next 30 seconds. And watch for this pattern: every time a promised thing doesn't happen and your disappointment shows, he spins up a brand new hypothetical to get you excited again. At that point his words aren't just empty, they're designed to manipulate you, feeding you hope so you keep investing in a man who hasn't started investing in you.
Watch How He Treats You When He's Upset
When a man is hurt is one of the best times to observe him. Anyone can compliment you on a happy Saturday night at dinner. That's the easiest time to treat you well, no stress, no negative emotion. But say you get into an argument at the club, and suddenly he stops holding the door, doesn't hold your hand in the crowd, leaves you to fend for yourself among strangers. His actions while upset just told you how he really feels.
A man who genuinely cares about you doesn't stop treating you with respect or caring about your safety because he's mad. Sure, he might be quieter, he might not smother you with kisses. But he damn sure doesn't abandon your comfort and safety. If one small argument sends his care out the window, he never cared as much as he said. It's easy to care about you when things are going well. Pay attention to how much he cares when he's not happy.
Can't Live Without You? Watch Whether He Shares His Life
When a guy says he can't live without you, ignore it completely. If you want to know the truth, observe how much he incorporates you into his everyday life. Men show you they can't live without you because they don't want to live without you. He goes to the gym, he asks you to come. He has a work event, he wants you there. Before a man ever needs to tell you he wants to share a life with you, he shows you, by attempting to share his life with you. It's not forced. It happens naturally from his desire to be around you as much as possible.
The same test answers the question, is he hiding me? Don't ask him, he'll say no. Watch how much he enjoys bringing you around his friends and family. If you're truly amazing to him, the first people he wants to show you off to are the other people he loves. I'm not saying you meet his mother on date one. But if there's always an excuse every time you could meet his people, especially as the relationship gets more serious, there's doubt in him somewhere, about you, the relationship, or how serious he actually is.
Flirting Means Nothing Until He Asks You Out
Passive flirting confuses women all the time, because the words and the feeling make things seem more serious than they are. The guy at work goes out of his way to find you in the breakroom, asks personal questions, wants to know if you're single. It starts to feel like, only someone really interested would say these things. This is precisely the moment to stop listening to anything men say.
The only thing that matters is whether he's willing to act on his crush by asking you out on a romantic date. That's it. So many women get caught overthinking and overinvesting, believing that if his words say he likes me, I just need to do more until he takes it to the next level. No. It doesn't matter how much he flirts. It doesn't even matter if he flat out tells you he likes you. Anything that is not him asking you out is a complete waste of your time to think about.
Respect and Change Are Shown, Never Spoken
Respect is not something people talk about. Respect is something people show. And here's the hard pill: a man will definitely show you when he doesn't respect you. He ignores your boundaries. He won't take accountability. He treats your needs like they don't matter. Men who don't respect you literally cannot hide it; the only mask available is telling you how much he respects you and how he didn't mean it. When you really like a guy, you'll want to make excuses for the disrespect. This is why your tribe matters: the people who love you will point out what you don't want to see. When his actions show disrespect, accept it as the truth, regardless of what he says.
Promises to change work the same way. Men love promising change with tears and a puppy dog face, knowing they have no intention of following through. He swears the cheating was a one-time mistake at the club, then keeps going to the club, getting blackout drunk, putting himself in position to make the exact same mistake. That man isn't interested in change. He's interested in being forgiven. And when you forgive before any actual steps toward change, you let him off the hook and make him comfortable returning to the same habits. No apology, no sob story, no excuse counts until there is action behind a real plan.
The Phone Test and the Consistency Test
Guys love telling you how much they miss you and love spending time with you. Ignore the words and watch how seriously he treats the time itself. You're finally in front of him after weeks, and he's checking his phone, scrolling Instagram, treating you like a sideshow to whatever else he has going on? When a man truly values time with you, he puts distractions away. Your presence is the stimulation. A man who needs his phone to make time with you interesting is telling you exactly how interesting he finds you.
Consistency reads the same way. Stop battling his excuses and look at how consistent he is with his own life. Every project abandoned halfway, every job quit after a couple of months, every get-rich-quick scheme dropped in two weeks, those are signs. If he isn't consistent in any aspect of his own life, why would he suddenly become capable of consistency with you? And remember, consistent texting is not consistency. He can text and love bomb you daily and still never show up when it matters. If a man has never bothered to accomplish his own goals, I guarantee you won't be the first.
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Questions women ask me about this
- How do you know if a man really loves you?
- Watch how naturally he prioritizes your happiness. A man with real feelings automatically does things that make your life better, easier, and more convenient, without being asked, because it's natural to men who desire you. If you have to pull teeth to get action out of him, the I love yous mean nothing.
- How can you tell if a guy is likely to cheat?
- Treat loyalty as a character trait instead of a promise. Look at how he handles his friendships, his family, and his job: long, steady friendships and fair dealing point one way; constant fallouts, backstabbing, and cheating the system point the other. A man with no loyalty anywhere in his life cannot manufacture it just for you.
- What is future faking in a relationship?
- It's when a man keeps describing extravagant plans he never delivers, so you feel the excitement of things he isn't actually doing. Your brain rewards the promise like the real thing, and you start believing he invests more than he does. Until it actually happens, it is not real.
- How do I know if a man respects me?
- By his actions only. A man who respects you honors your boundaries, takes accountability, and treats your needs like they matter, especially mid-conflict. A man who doesn't respect you can't hide it; he can only talk over it. If your tribe keeps pointing at disrespect you're excusing, believe them and believe his behavior.
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