Allow Me to De-Influence You on How Men Fall in Love

On Approaching Him First

The first thing I must address is approaching men first, and I really hate this one, because your best girlfriends, even your sis, might influence you in the wrong way. How about you make the first move? If you don't, maybe you won't be with that guy, but that's exactly what I want for you.

Approaching men first never works. They never receive you the right way, and the treatment they give you is not the treatment you want. For a man to feel good about liking you, he needs to feel like he discovered you and he pursued you. He must be the one thinking, I made the decision to pursue this thing with her because I want her. Do that work for him and he goes passive.

You're within eye contact, you're smiling at him, you're giving him googly eyes, but you're not actually approaching him. Keep this fairy tale up, so to speak. Oh, I wasn't really even thinking of you. I was over there being a fairy, sprinkling my beautiful fairy dust everywhere, and then you discovered me out of nowhere. Even if you were.

On What He Says He Wants

Another pivotal area I must de-influence you on. What men say they want, and what they actually respond to. A man that you're dating is always designed to tell you he wants you to do things that serve him. I want you to text me more. I want you to spam text me if you need to. He wants things that make his life easier.

That in itself isn't a crime. But when you ask him the question, you're asking it as a woman, from the standpoint of, what do you want, that when I give you that thing, I will receive the treatment from you that I want. He's answering from the standpoint of what benefits him. So both ways, you're answering a different question.

Watch it play out. He says, text me more, text me first, double, triple and quadruple text me. So you finally do it. And he says, oh perfect, now you're all over me, so I'm going to text you less now. You did exactly what he asked for, and got the response you didn't want.

On Him Needing to Hunt

This next point is going to disappoint you, but I need to de-influence you about it. Men must feel like they're hunting. Men must feel like they're chasing. We do not know how to associate satisfaction and fulfillment with things we do not hunt down, chase and achieve. That includes our romantic relationships.

So do not make the mistake of thinking you'll find an evolved man who doesn't need any of this. That does not work for men. If you do not understand how to give your man the space to chase you, and to enjoy this back and forth game where you don't give him enough that he's ever truly satisfied, you'll never create desire and attraction in the men you're dating. And without that, you will not receive the type of princess treatment that I know you so deeply want.

On Throwing Yourself at Him

Another very important point I must de-influence you on, on throwing yourself at men. Now I know some of you are like, I would never throw myself at a man. And when you approach a guy you don't necessarily feel like you're throwing yourself all over him. But the reason it feels like that to him is because what he wanted was to discover you, notice you, and then go and hunt you down.

Theoretically men think they want to be handed things, that they'd want women to worship them. But they won't respond positively to a woman throwing herself at him. He says, she's really interested in me, so this is a perfect person I can do nothing for. The woman he ends up choosing, the woman he ends up respecting, is ironically always the woman who throws herself at him the least.

On Being His Trophy

Being his trophy actually helps you out a lot. Now I know some of you will say, why do I need to be a trophy wife, I'm not useless, I'm not just a pretty face, I'm so smart. It's not about that. Men want to feel a sense of accomplishment in even being able to get access to you. I made a million dollars. And I married the woman of my dreams. I know I'm making it sound very caveman-ish, but it is.

You need to be a part of those things. Not a consolation prize. Not someone who just kind of showed up in his life and was kind of there. That looks like not always being available. Being happy to say no when he makes you offers that you don't like. And very strict boundaries, so there's an achievement in sticking around long enough to get access to you.

On Being Hot Enough for Him to Fall

And this is the crazy part. You being attractive has nothing to do with how men fall in love. When you approach men, it's not like they won't recognize that you could still be attractive. They recognize it. They just say, oh, you're approaching me, I guess, if you're going to make it that easy for me. And then approaching a guy first is going to make you less hot. That's just reality.

Men don't know how to properly desire you and appreciate you when you're coming to them. They struggle to build feelings when the relationship starts off on the foot of, she hand delivered herself to me. It's hard for him to feel pride and accomplishment about you when he didn't have to put in any work to get access to you.

On Giving Him No Signals

I don't believe you should just completely ignore men, never give them any signals, and expect them to be madly in love with you. There's a very big difference between giving a man signals that you're interested, and actually doing the approaching yourself.

You still give men signals. The smile, the look, that say, hey, I'm also attracted to you, there's a connection between us, and if you were to act on your desire for me, you would be rewarded on that desire. But you must take this risk first. This is why video games are full of challenges and milestones. And when he acts on it, it brainwashes him into believing you must be even hotter and more desirable than you already are, because that's the only reason he would act so much on his desire for you.

On Your Body Count

I'm going to take my glasses off so you understand how serious this is. This is going to be very uncomfortable, but I'm telling you truths that you must hear. Men do not actually care about the number of men that you've slept with. They do not care about body count. What men actually care about is the perception of that number. I'm a man, I hang around a lot of guys, and it does not affect them in any way, shape or form, as long as you're a healthy individual, and of course if you don't have STDs and STIs.

As long as the men you've slept with aren't friends of his, aren't in his inner circle, aren't coworkers, the number is quite literally just a number. He does not know how to fathom five or five hundred people he will never meet. What they actually care about is how you treat them and whether you present yourself as a respectable woman. It's just an assumption made by men that if you slept with more men, maybe you respect yourself less, and that's not even necessarily true.

If you allow the number to have power over you, then men will make you feel like that number has power over you. When you do not give it power, and you are very upfront and just say, hey, this is who I am, you can choose to accept it or not accept it, it doesn't affect me being proud of who I am and standing for the decisions I've made. The fear that he'll run away is based on the fear mongering you've received from other people. And when you tell a man this is who I am, you're not just talking about your body count, you're talking about the energy that you bring to the table. You say, this is what I stand for, but if you think for one second that I'm going to allow a number to affect how I feel about myself or my self-esteem or my confidence, you're sadly mistaken. And if you feel like my value is lesser based on that number, well, you're just not my guy, but I'm not going to cry about it. You'll be shocked how men will actually appreciate that more, and be even more attracted to you, because you don't allow the number to have power over you. I know this will feel like a lie, but I'm telling you, men care about your body count as much as you care.

On What Other Men Think

What really bothers them has nothing to do with a number. It's the judgment they might feel if it's discovered by other people, particularly other men. They fear that other men will decide they are not as valuable, or as desirable, of a man, for being with you.

Let's say something crazy like a hundred. They care that when other men find out, they will laugh at him and think he's less of a man. And they think, why would he do that, unless he's a very undesirable man, that his options are so limited that he can only be with that type of woman?

On Using Perception

So my point being is, once you realize it's more about perception than reality, you can use that to your advantage. Rather than fixating on a perfect body count, you create the best perception, which is of the people you're around. Your coworkers, your friends, people in your inner circle, family members. You give the perception that there is nobody in that inner circle, or his coworkers, that you desire more than him, or that could access you more than him.

Here's the best example of what I mean. You could have a very low body count, but still give the perception that his friends and coworkers could have access to you, because you're extremely flirtatious with the men that he's actually around. That will bother him more than a high body count from a woman who makes him feel there was little to no access to her. Those are the things he can actually perceive and feel a difference of. I know it's a very hard pill to swallow, because you spent a lot of time thinking that guys really care about body count. But they don't. They just care about perception.

On What Men Say They'd Never Do

They might pretend to their guy friends like they care a bunch about the number. Guys say BS all the time about who they'd never be with in a million years, but the girls they like and catch feelings for, all of that goes out the window. You want to know how I know, as a guy?

Because so many times we all sit down as guys and say, yeah, I'd never do this and I'd never do that. Then one guy falls in love, and we say, bro, but I thought you would never date a girl like this. And he says, oh guys, but she's different. And we go, oh, I know what happened to you. You started to like her. Guys, we'll yap. We'll yap about what we'll do. Just understand that it's yap. When he catches feelings for the authentic you, the version of you that says, this is me and I accept me and I love me and I'm not going to change me for you, he will say, damn, everything I said I would or wouldn't do, I now feel feelings for you.

On Being Sexy Enough to Make Him Commit

This next point is really painful to hear, but very important to hear. A man's desire to commit himself to you is not affected by how sexy you are. That's very difficult for some women in the stomach, because they think, if I get more sexy, the guys I date will commit more. But commitment comes from a man's character. His personality, his disposition, his morals, his values.

Now I'm not saying someone wouldn't be more attracted to you if you take care of yourself better, because obviously we are attracted to people who have discipline. What I'm saying is that looking like a supermodel is not going to make a guy who isn't interested in a committed relationship want to be in one. He could cheat on you even if he was with a supermodel. He might be mesmerized for a couple of weeks, or maybe even months. But eventually, when she stops being shiny and new, even the eleven out of ten supermodel gets cheated on by that same guy. So evaluate their character, and the consistency of that character.

On Whether He's Even Ready

Which leads me to another very important point. Men make their own internal choice based on their timeline. They decide for themselves whether they're ready for commitment, based on their finances, their family, and where he actually wants to be in his career. Only once he gets there will you receive commitment, because you can't receive commitment from a man who isn't committed to himself, and isn't at a stage where he feels mentally prepared. So he's not prepared to commit to you, then he finds another woman shortly after you, and all of a sudden he becomes the version of a man you had always wanted. Did you do something wrong? No. So rather than asking can I be more attractive, ask whether he is even ready, and allow him to live in his truth.