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If a Man Says These 12 Things to You, Walk Away Immediately
By Tomisin AtobateleFrom my video
If a man says these 12 things to you, walk away immediately. They might sound harmless in the moment. Some of them even sound sweet. But I guarantee you, once they manifest themselves in the relationship, you're going to be the one suffering the most.
Don't skim these and assume you know them. The words won't always come out word for word, so if you don't understand why each phrase is horrible and what it's designed to make you feel, you'll still get played by the version of it he customizes for you. You've been warned. Let's begin.
All My Exes Are Crazy
Think about what's really being said here. This monster of an ex, that monster of an ex, another monster of an ex. All different people. The only constant in every one of those relationships is him. I'm not saying someone can't have one ex who genuinely treated them badly. But when a man's whole romantic history is populated exclusively by crazy, evil people, you should be asking, your life is really that bad that you only attract monsters? That's very strange.
What you're actually looking at is a man who cannot take accountability. In his mind, everything that went wrong in every previous relationship was the ex's fault. He is incapable of seeing his own contribution to a toxic dynamic. Which means when things go wrong with you, and they will, you'll be the next crazy ex in the story he tells the woman after you. Walk away from that immediately.
I'm Figuring Things Out (and I'm Not Sure About My Career)
This sounds harmless because of the context it comes in. He'll say, I know I like you, I know I want to be with you, but for me, my career, my passions, my own life, I'm still figuring those things out. Here's the problem. A relationship is two puzzle pieces that fit together. A man is supposed to come in knowing who he is, what his identity is, and where he's going, because that's the only way to judge what kind of partner actually fits him. If he's still figuring things out, he doesn't even know what type of puzzle piece he is. No identity, no direction, just floating around in space.
Here's how you suffer. Four months down the line he finally figures it out, and the person he figures out he is doesn't fit with you. The relationship falls apart, and you spent four months hoping. The career version sounds like it's about him, but a man unsure of his path can't build with you in any direction. A responsible man gets on his path before he asks a woman to invest in him. If he can't say that, this is your time to exit.
You Deserve Better
This one is dangerous because it makes you feel the total opposite of what it should. Picture it: he's been going out, coming home late, flopping on dates, not texting back. You finally call it out, and he goes small and sad and says, you deserve so much better than me, I try my best and I just can't be the man you need. Watch what happens to you. Your ego starts feeding. I really am that amazing, and look at him, he's so small and sorry.
Because it's not natural for you to step on someone who's down, your instinct is to pull him back up. No, you're not that bad, remember that time you got me lunch? That's the whole trick. He made himself look pitiful so you'd argue against your own standards. You deserve better is not an apology and not a commitment to change anything. Take the sentence literally. You do deserve better. Go get it.
People Always Abandon Me
My mom left, my dad left, everyone leaves, I've never had anyone by my side. And your heart breaks for him. Here's what that feeling inspires: I want to be the first person to show him something different. I want to prove to him that loyalty exists, that real love exists. Men are emotionally stunted, yes, but they also have learned behavior. They try things, watch how women respond, and build a knowledge base of exactly what to say to inspire exactly what they want.
So ask yourself, what seed is he planting? Later, when he treats you poorly, cheats, disrespects you, the normal response is to leave. But now there's a voice saying, if I leave, I'll abandon him just like everyone else and prove him right. So I can't leave. Nothing is holding you there except your own guilt, and he planted it on purpose.
My Ex Wouldn't Do That (and Your Girlfriends Are Bad for You)
I don't have a problem with a man telling you the history of his past relationship. I want you to have that information. The problem is comparison and persuasion. You're a brunette with a natural body, and suddenly he's asking if you've ever tried blonde, ever thought about the micro BBL, ever considered talking a little different. He's not building a relationship with you. He's trying to recreate his ex using your body as the raw material. And when he says my ex wouldn't do that out loud, he's telling you that in his mind, you're the downgrade. A man who's actually ready for a new relationship has no problem with you having your own identity.
Its cousin is when he decides every single one of your girlfriends is bad for you. Not one specific friend with a real toxic pattern, all of them. He's planting seeds. Soon hanging out with them feels tainted, you're hiding plans, and you're slowly agreeing with his criticisms to keep the peace. That produces isolation, and a woman cut off from her people is easier to control. Watch the pattern, not the complaints.
I Don't Want to Ruin What We Have
This one lives in the friendship stage. You've been kind of cool for a while, and somewhere in there you've slept together once or twice or three times. Now you're in purgatory, and when you gesture at something more, he says, the vibe is amazing, I just don't want to ruin what we have. Or the other version: you're just so chill, you're the chillest person I've ever met, I don't want us to become uncool by trying.
Translate it. He is telling you that he wants to keep the access he already has, your company, your body, your energy, without ever paying the price of commitment. A man who wants you romantically is not terrified of ruining the vibe. He's terrified of losing you to someone who will actually claim you. The vibe he's protecting is the one where he gets everything and owes nothing.
I Just Need Time (and I Don't Know the Future)
One of the most dangerous things you can do with a man is hope. Hope for change, hope for your needs to eventually be met. Hope puts you in purgatory: not there, but not not there, both and neither at the same time. So when he says I just need time, ask the follow-up questions. How much time? Undefined, because he's still figuring out how long it will take to figure it out. What exactly is he figuring out? A compilation of things he's simultaneously attacking. Do you hear what that is? A timeline with no timeline, centered on abstract goals you're not even allowed to see.
Here's what living in that looks like. You wake up tomorrow thinking, today could be the day he's ready. It isn't. You go to sleep frustrated and wake up thinking it again. And again. Every day, hoping I just need time turns into I'm ready to be with you. I don't know the future is the same escape hatch: nobody knows the future, but a man who refuses to plan one with you is telling you that you're not in it. Walk away.
You Don't Love Me as Much as I Love You (and the Roadblock Excuse)
Picture two glasses of water. The water is your energy, the energy it takes to focus on someone and pour into them. Your glass is full to the brim. Then he says, you don't love me as much as I love you, and suddenly you're staring at his sad, barely-full glass feeling like you have to prove him wrong. So you pour. Most of your energy, all of your energy, into his cup until yours is nearly empty. Here's the trick: he already knows you love him more. He said it specifically to trigger your need to prove it, because a woman proving her love invests extra hard while he receives everything and does nothing in return.
The final phrase is the fill-in-the-blank: I would be in a relationship if it weren't for my finances, my family, my situation. He presents it like you're both on the same team, separated only by some roadblock neither of you can control. Let me be plain. If a roadblock genuinely prevents a man from committing, he shouldn't be dating at all until it's handled, because otherwise he's wasting the time of every woman he meets. He knows that. The roadblock isn't between him and commitment. It's a prop he installed to keep you in purgatory while he keeps his access. When you hear any of these twelve, believe the pattern, not the sauce he pours on it, and walk.
Want this lesson as a guide?
I turned this exact video into a free guide you can download and keep.
Questions women ask me about this
- What does it mean when a guy says all his exes are crazy?
- It means he can't take accountability. Every ex being a monster with him as the innocent constant tells you he's incapable of seeing his own contribution to a toxic relationship. When things go wrong with you, you'll become the next crazy ex in his story.
- What does it mean when a man says he needs time to figure things out?
- Press for specifics and you'll find a timeline with no timeline: he needs time to figure out how much time he needs, for goals he can't name. The phrase exists to keep your hope alive while he escapes the responsibility of giving you direction. Hope like that puts you in purgatory, waking up every day thinking today might be the day. It won't be.
- Is it a red flag when a guy says you deserve better?
- Yes, because of what it's designed to do. He makes himself look small and sympathetic so your ego gets fed and your instinct flips to reassuring him instead of leaving him. It's not an apology and it comes with no plan to change. Take the sentence literally: you do deserve better, so go get it.
- What does it mean when he says he doesn't want to ruin the friendship?
- When you're already sleeping together, it means he wants to keep full access to you without ever paying the price of commitment. A man who truly wants you isn't scared of ruining the vibe, he's scared of losing you. The vibe he's protecting is the arrangement where he gets everything and owes nothing.
- How do I know if he's stringing me along?
- Listen for phrases that manufacture waiting: I just need time, I don't know the future, I'd commit if it weren't for this one roadblock. They all share the same anatomy, an obstacle you can't see or verify standing between you and the commitment he swears he wants. A serious man removes obstacles. An unserious man curates them.
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