Why Men Fall in Love When They Fear You

Make Him Fear That You Don't Need Him

We don't want a man to feel like he is the sun in your life and you just revolve around him. Without him no light, no sunshine, no happiness. The first fear to instill when you start dating a man is simple: you don't need him. Because when a man realizes he's the most important thing in your life, he also realizes he can misbehave, not show up, and mistreat you, and you'll overlook it, because you can't imagine life without him.

I know some of you are thinking, these games are so silly. If I care, I want to be able to care. But notice when things fall apart: it's the moment you internally say, I really like him and I really want this to work out. That's when you're emotionally inclined to let go of everything and confess how much you need him. Don't get like that.

So the moment you catch yourself thinking, this guy is my type, the height, the money, the personality, everything, that's your cue to take a hard stance. Keep every hobby. Keep every interest. Keep time set aside for yourself, managed and protected. Especially with the guy you actually like.

Show Him You Are More Than Willing to Walk Away

Every talking stage arrives at a crossroads. Either he's been consistent and shown up how you expect a man to show up, and you're ready to commit, or it becomes evident he's not what you're looking for. At that crossroads, he has to know, and you have to know, that you will gladly choose the road without him. Commitment is his choice. Walking away is yours.

How do you paint that narrative from the jump? Two ways. First, on early dates, tell him a horror story or two about previous men who thought they could extract, extract, extract and give nothing back, and how that never worked out for them, because you understand your value.

Second, punish disrespect early. When he crosses a boundary, even a small one, you withdraw without explanation. Take back your energy, your investment, your time, your attention. Even in a small sample size, you're showing him from the beginning that you are more than willing to walk away if he does not show up for you.

Instill the Fear That You Could Be Stolen

Never let him get overly comfortable. At some point, a guy who hasn't committed will try something very slick. In passing: we've been dating for a while, you're not seeing anyone else right? Wouldn't really make sense for you to be going on dates at this point. Just me, right?

And I want you to respond: well, we're not boyfriend and girlfriend. I'm not saying I'm doing anything weird, but we're also not boyfriend and girlfriend. I can't just close everything off and not be open to anything.

I know that sentence is painful to say when you really like a guy. Say it anyway. He's trying to get you to commit to exclusivity, no dates, no one else, all your focus, without ever asking you to be his girlfriend. That is not a position you accept. The fear that you might be stolen is the incentive that progresses the relationship, and progression has to be led by the man. If you lead it, the relationship falls apart, because now you're playing his role.

Date Like an Opportunity: The Black Friday TV

Imagine a real Black Friday sale, back when they were real sales. The 55 inch OLED TV you've been wanting is 90 percent off. You rush there early, because if you procrastinate, if you lollygag, if you're late by even a couple of minutes, the TVs are sold out and the opportunity is gone until maybe next year.

You are the TV. Not in the sense that you're on sale, nothing about you is for sale. You are the opportunity: attractive, smart, self-investing, an amazing partner any man would be lucky to have. Which means if he gets the chance to date you, he'd better do it right the first time.

This starts as a mindset, and the mindset changes how you handle his wrongdoings. When being with you is an opportunity, you expect urgency. You don't sit around while a man makes the same mistake thirty thousand times and slowly considers adjusting. He moves with urgency, or you go be with one of the other men asking for your time.

Give Him FOMO: Let Him Watch the Party From Outside

Picture a lit house party, music going, everyone dancing, and a man stuck outside who can't get in, watching everyone have the time of their lives through the window. That's fear of missing out, and it's exactly the feeling you want a man to have about your life.

You do it in three ways. Tell him about your life: the things you've been doing, the plans you have. Show him: sometimes a date ends early because you have somewhere to be, sometimes he only gets an hour or two. And let your social media confirm that everything you said you were up to, you actually did.

When a man sees you have a life, good energy, a good vibe, he thinks, she has a little bit of magic to her and I want some of it to rub off on me. But he can't have it 24/7. Watching your life go on without him is a standing reminder of point one: you don't need him.

Expectations Create Pressure, and Pressure Creates His Best Work

You might think fear is a negative emotion, so it can only produce negative outcomes. Wrong. Think about a history essay worth 90 percent of your grade. The pressure gives you anxiety, but it also forces you to focus: you check every sentence, fix every error, and produce your best work, because the outcome is consequential.

The same mechanism works in men. When a man fears losing you, because you're a desirable woman who could be stolen, that pressure makes him put his best foot forward: doing the right thing, being what you need, making the adjustments you asked for. It's the same reason a man suddenly changes everything the moment you break up with him. The pressure of actually losing you forever finally showed up, and it produced effort.

So have standards, hold him to them, and when he isn't living up to them, withdraw completely and let him sit in his timeout wondering why his access to you disappeared.

Don't Be a Yes Girl: Let Him Sweat

Men have a desire to be desired. Validation feels incredible to a man's ego, and he chases it everywhere, including from you. So some of you become a yes girl: validating him 24/7, telling him he's the best thing since sliced bread, treating him like a king whose poop doesn't stink. You think you're loving him well. You're actually ruining him, because after a while he believes it, and a man who believes he has no flaws stops working on himself, stops growing, and stops taking accountability. In his mind, he doesn't make mistakes.

Fear is good in spurts. Strategically bring him back down to earth. Tell him he's right when he's right, and when he's wrong, address him as such. Sometimes you just let him cook. Sometimes you let him sweat. That little bit of doubt, maybe I'm not the most desirable man alive, maybe I have work to do, keeps him humble, growing, and accountable. It doesn't mean you don't love him. It means you're not his fan club, you're his woman.

The Fear of Being Forgotten

Here is one of the most painful realizations a man can have: after he feels like he really put it down, discovering you are not obsessed with him, and worse, that one day you might genuinely forget about him. Being forgotten is a man's nightmare, because when a woman truly forgets you, there is no coming back. No answered call, no answered text, not even being cool anymore.

You want to know why men text out of the blue months later? They're checking that they're still remembered, that they can always come back, because if you'd take him back, it confirms his importance. If you say I miss my ex, I miss what we had, he hears: I mattered that much. That's the ego at work, and ego is everything with men.

So here's your ongoing strategy, and it never stops: keep growing. Invest in your body, your mind, your soul, from day one, no matter how long you've been together. A woman who keeps growing creates a standing fear in a man that if he doesn't grow too, he will be outgrown and forgotten. That pressure keeps him improving. And a man actively trying to keep up with you is a man in love.