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It Took Me 28+ Years to Realize What I'll Tell You in 40 Minutes…
By Tomisin AtobateleFrom my video
It took me 28 years to realize what I'm about to tell you. When it comes to people and relationships, it's so easy to get taken advantage of when you don't yet understand what's actually happening. So here are 10 realizations about dealing with people that took me way too long to reach, and hopefully hearing them saves you from making the same mistakes I did.
Some of these came from embarrassing seasons of my own life. I'm sharing them anyway, because the lesson is worth more than my pride.
Chase Respect, Never Chase Being Liked
At 19, my main concern was being liked, and my vessel for that was being funny. Instagram jokes, skits, being as wild as possible so people would laugh, comment, share. People would come up to me saying, your videos are so funny, you're such a jokester. But the joke was on me, because I was changing fundamental parts of my character, my morals, and my values so people would find me entertaining. And instead of seeing me as an equal, they saw me as a court jester. Dance, monkey, dance. Amuse us. My friendships started reflecting, you're beneath me, you're just my entertainment.
When I felt the emptiest, I hit my biggest realization to date: never chase being liked. Chase respect. When you stand for what you believe in and nobody can take you off that stance, people gravitate to you because of what you stand for. The problem with chasing being liked is you never actually stand for anything, your values shift depending on the room, and you become a caricature of yourself. Chase respect in your relationships, your friendships, and your family, and people will finally see you as their equal.
Silence Says What Paragraphs Never Could
I used to think the only way to communicate hurt was paragraphs. Long texts explaining exactly what happened and how every little thing made me feel. The painful realization: when you give people information they never asked for, they don't respond well, because unless they actually care about the relationship, they cannot absorb it. It doesn't matter how thoroughly you explain your pain to someone who doesn't value you.
Ironically, the best way to get someone to care is to send them the message of radio silence. When you say nothing and leave them be, they're left with their own critical thinking: why isn't this person speaking to me anymore? Did I make a mistake? Now they come to you asking what's wrong, and the conversation happens because they chose to care. I stopped over-communicating, stopped begging people to see how deeply they'd hurt me, and just sat back. The ones who cared came to apologize before anyone had to beg them. The ones who didn't showed me exactly who they were.
People Will Test You, Embrace It
No matter who it is, romantic partner or platonic friend, there will come a point where that person tests you. Back when I was a club promoter, a friend and I had an unresolved argument. I told him, let's talk it out now, because I have to drive people to the club tonight. He wasn't interested, so I said fine, and I went. Halfway through the night he shows up at the club, over an hour from home, and afterward expects me to drive him back since we live in the same city. Suddenly he's eager to resolve the argument, now that resolving it decides whether he gets a ride.
I told him no. When I wanted to resolve it, you had no interest, because it didn't benefit you then. We can talk now, but I'm still not driving you home. We went back and forth for an hour and a half in that parking lot, and I left him there. He spent the night in a 24-hour McDonald's and took the first morning train home. And you know what? It strengthened the friendship. He never tried anything like that again, and we've never had an issue since. Embrace the tests. Every one is an opportunity to show people you're really about what you say you're about, and it weeds out the ones who thought you were a doormat.
Be the Therapist, Not the One Doing the Dumping
This one sounds sneaky, but it's been one of the most powerful things I've implemented. Let people dump their traumas, their issues, their stories onto you, because as they dump, you're gathering information, and you will always be in a position of power when you have more information. The biggest mistake is the reverse: yapping to everyone about the deepest, darkest parts of your life, then watching some of those people turn around and use it against you. Someone's got to do the dumping. Make sure it isn't you, until a person has earned your depth through years of consistency.
The related lesson: stop trying to drag people onto your viewpoint. I used to butt heads constantly, trying to convince friends and dates to see things my way. The better way is to listen. Learn what they need, what matters to them, and speak their language. When you frame what you want in terms of what serves them, they're motivated to give it to you without being forced. You get more from people by understanding them than by lecturing them.
People Copy How You Treat Yourself
There was a season where I didn't care about anything. How I dressed, how I looked, where I spent my time. Who cares? Everything's chill. And eventually everyone around me adopted the same mentality toward me: who cares how I treat you, you don't care how you treat you. Who cares if I keep my promises to you, you don't keep promises to yourself.
I was frustrated with how people were treating me, but I wasn't looking inward. Most of my problems weren't external, and most of the solutions were internal. The moment I started keeping my promises to myself, caring about how I looked, what I said, where my time went, everyone who met me received a reflection of that standard. How you treat yourself is a live demonstration teaching everyone else how to treat you.
Short-Term Fun Has an Aftertaste
When you're young, sex gets hyped up as the ultimate fun, for guys and girls both. And yes, in the moment it can be. But I had to get honest about the feeling that came after, when the fun came at the expense of a real connection. Sleeping with someone you don't really feel much for, don't really know, don't have a bond with, leaves a weird aftertaste. It's emptiness. Even as a guy, even when the world tells you men don't feel anything and just move to the next, there's an emptiness in having nobody actually in your corner, nobody you're building with.
The realization that changed my life: that isn't actually fun. It feels like fun, but real happiness comes from the long-term side of the ledger. The hardest decisions in your romantic life are the long-term happiness decisions, like not sleeping with someone on the first night even when the moment says otherwise. When you finally have intimacy inside a fulfilling, lasting relationship, it stops feeling empty, and the fun is real for the rest of your life, not just for the moment.
No Response Is a Response
I used to invent excuses for people. If someone wasn't replying, they must be busy, something tragic must be happening, there must be a reason. No. When people stop reaching out, whether friends, family, or romantic partners, that is the clearest indication of how they feel about you. Every time I refused to accept that, I embarrassed myself trying to pull an answer out of someone whose answer was already: I don't want to speak to you.
And here's the part that stings: not everyone is capable of telling you honestly that they're not feeling you. That's okay. Learn to receive the message without them saying the message. It will save you pain, heartache, and embarrassment, and it stops you from spending your time pushing to be around people who don't want you around, some of whom are quietly laughing at you for not taking the hint.
Become the Person Your Person Would Choose, and Guard Your Time
I could list everything I wanted in a partner: beautiful inside and out, confident, self-respecting, unshakeable. Identifying it was easy. Attracting it only happened when I flipped the question: am I attractive to that person? I had to stop seeing myself as only the main character and realize I'm also a supporting character in someone else's story. If my dream partner met me tomorrow, would she want me? Attracting the right people has almost nothing to do with searching for them, and everything to do with becoming the person they'd be drawn to. It works in reverse.
And if you take nothing else from this, take this: time is your most important asset. I used to think I had unlimited time, so I wasted it on people who weren't aligned with where I was going. But your calendar has a finite number of days. Every hour spent with a time-wasting situationship or a short-term friend out of boredom is an hour taken from the love of your life, from the family member who cherishes you, from the ride-or-die best friend. The moment you realize someone is a waste of your time, take your time back. Spend it only where you're wanted, valued, and headed somewhere you actually want to go.
Want this lesson as a guide?
I turned this exact video into a free guide you can download and keep.
Questions women ask me about this
- Why is silence more powerful than explaining how you feel?
- Because people who don't value you can't absorb your explanations, no matter how detailed they are. Radio silence forces them to use their own critical thinking about why your energy changed, and if they care, they come to you. The people who never come just answered your question a different way.
- What does it mean when someone stops texting you back?
- No response is a response. When someone stops reaching out, that is the clearest indication of how they feel about you, not a mystery to solve. Many people simply can't say I'm not interested out loud, so learn to receive the message without them saying it, and stop chasing an answer you already have.
- How do you get people to respect you?
- Stop chasing being liked and start standing for something. People test you to see what they can get away with, so pass the tests: follow through on what you said, even when it's uncomfortable. And treat yourself well first, because people copy how you treat yourself far more than they listen to how you ask to be treated.
- Why do I feel empty after casual intimacy?
- Because you shared something meant to be intimate with someone you don't deeply know or care for, and the moment the short-term fun ends, the absence of real connection shows up as an aftertaste. That emptiness is information: your happiness lives on the long-term side, in building with someone, not in chasing thrills that expire in an hour.
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