I'm Literally Begging You to Be Mean to Men.

What Being Mean to Men Actually Means

Being mean is not expecting a guy to kiss your feet the moment you meet him. Being mean is putting away the people pleaser in you, the habit of spending all your brain power on, what does he need? How can I make myself more likable? Should I change my personality, my hair, the way I dress, into more of what this guy wants?

People pick up on that energy. When a man realizes you're willing to change any aspect of yourself based on what you think he likes, he says to himself, that doesn't sound like someone I see as an equal. That sounds like someone beneath me. And then he treats you exactly that way.

So put away the fear of upsetting people. What happens if he's upset with you? Nothing. You were around before him, you'll be around after. You're in your selfish era now, and selfish is good. Men love selfish women. When men compliment you, they compliment how you take care of yourself, never how you serve some other man. So get good at doing for you.

Treat Every Man the Same, Especially the One You Like

This is the number one thing the women in my private relationship questions need help with. When you like a guy, that is the exact moment you must become a drill sergeant with yourself. The second you catch yourself thinking, oh my god, he's tall, dark, and handsome, this is the guy I'd make exceptions for, you stand up and say, perfect. Now I need to be extra strict with my rules.

It's easy to hold your rules with the awkward guy who isn't your type. But when you actually like him, the ovulation monster starts talking, and every voice in your head explains why it's okay because you've been vibing for three hours. No. Every man gets the same treatment from you.

When you hold that line, he receives the message loud and clear: I'm clearly not special just because I'm more attractive or richer than the average guy. Nothing I offer her lets me skip steps. He has to show effort and consistency before he receives your time and energy, same as anyone.

Bring Your List to Every Date

The best thing you can do in your mean girl era is come to every date with an already existing list of what's important to you. Your morals, your values, marriage, children, religion, the way you want to be treated. When you have that list, your dating life becomes very clear and very easy to navigate. No more guessing games where your criteria adjusts to how cute this particular guy is.

Then you ask him questions and you find out: either his list matches your list, or it doesn't. Here's where the nice girl shows up. She'll whisper, well, he wants to live in Miami, and warm weather's not that bad, and if I close my eyes really hard I can see myself raising kids there. That's the nice girl trying to make your criteria his criteria.

In your mean girl era, your criteria stays your criteria, even when the guy who is exactly your type doesn't share it. That mismatch is the sign you keep asking the universe for. It's your number one sign he is not meant for you. And this is part of being mean: you walk away.

People Treat Your Time the Way You Treat It

People will treat your time as valuable as you treat your own time. Act like your time doesn't matter, six hour hangouts, sleepovers on demand, ready in 30 minutes when he calls at midnight, and he will treat your time like it's whatever. Trust me.

So in the beginning, you are not extending dates past two hours. You gather information, you learn about him, then you go home and reevaluate what you actually experienced. Marathon dates leave you in delusion, and they tell him very early that you have nowhere else to be and no one else to spend time with.

And I know some of you are thinking, but two hours isn't enough time to get to know somebody. Exactly. It leads to him saying, I need to see you again. His access to you should grow in direct correlation with the effort and consistency he keeps proving, and he should learn that you will not be available every single time he wants you. That is what communicates your time is valuable.

How to Say No Without Being Disrespectful

Saying no is a core part of your mean girl era, but learn to say no in a way that isn't disrespectful. It communicates: this is a boundary, and even though I like you and think you're amazing, I'm still saying no, because it's my boundary for anyone.

Here's the classic scenario. The date is going better than you expected, and right at the two hour mark he says, we're both vibing, why don't we continue this at my place with some wine? The nice girl panics: if I say no, maybe he'll be mad, maybe there's no second date, maybe I lose this amazing guy.

Here's how you respond instead: I really appreciate you inviting me over, and trust me, I would love to enjoy some wine with you. But we did just meet, and I want us to build this over time. I'm sure you'd agree that a great date today doesn't stop us from having great dates in the future. That's a no that says, I still like you, I still want to see you, but that night will not be tonight. No matter how much he begs, no matter how he smiles, it's not tonight.

Gauge His Interest and Match His Fade

Every relationship goes through ebbs and flows. There will be stretches where his interest is high and he's messaging constantly, and stretches where he's not showing much at all. Your job is to honestly gauge where his level is, and pull your own energy back to match it.

Because here's what the nice girl does: as his energy dwindles, she pours in more of her own to fill the gap. He fades, she pushes forward. He fades more, she pushes harder. The mean girl does the opposite. Oh, you're pulling away? You don't seem as interested? Okay, me too. And if it fizzles out, it fizzles out. If he's not interested in pursuing, not interested in being consistent, that distance is the clearest sign he was never really invested. Let it be the sign.

Give Only What He Has Earned

This one is hard, because your feminine energy wants to nurture. You meet a guy, it's hot and heavy, you've seen each other ten days out of fourteen, and immediately you start auditioning for wifey. You cook the immaculate dinner. You wake up early to have breakfast in his bed with your makeup already done. He goes to work and you spend your day off cleaning his apartment so you can stand there smiling like, am I not such an amazing wifey?

That is over giving, and it's the nice girl brain at work: if I give more to him, he'll like me more. That's not how it works with men, and that way of thinking is a virus trying to sabotage you. In your mean girl era, you still give to men, but as appreciation for what they've earned through consistency and effort, and relative to what they've been doing for you. You are not cleaning the entire apartment of a man who took you on one date.

Speak On Your Desires and Stop Managing His Reactions

As a relationship grows, you'll eventually have to speak on your desires, and you need to be confident doing it. Your pleasure, what you want, how you want it done. If he's doing something you don't find pleasurable, don't swallow it out of worry he'll take it personally. Any man who truly desires you puts your happiness at the top of his priority list, happy wife, happy life. Speak your desires with confidence and he'll adjust to fulfill them.

The same goes for the big things you're scared to say. Waiting until marriage. Having children. Wanting marriage at all. The nice girl wants to hide those cards because he might lose interest. Stop thinking that way. What matters is not how he responds to who you are, it's that you communicate who you actually are. The men you should be with will accept your authentic self, and the men who won't were never yours to keep.

And let me tell you how men really think, since that's why you're here. There is no more attractive, seductive version of you than the version that takes care of you. When I see you glowing from across the room like a goddess, that's from what you've been investing in you, not in your ex. So if you're ever confused about which version of you to be today, I promise you: men's attraction always goes to the woman who takes care of herself.