I'm begging you to never do these things for men. I know some of you are thinking, well, you've already told us to do nothing for men, so what else is there even to do? This is where problems begin. Even when you want to do nothing for men, there are very stubborn, very common mistakes that only appear when you actually like that very specific guy.
When you find the guy you really want to be with, your subconscious mind starts pushing you to do things without you even realizing what's happening until it's too late. So for each point, I'm going to tell you what never to do, what it communicates to the man you're with, and why you're never going to do it again.
Never Be Intimate Just to Keep Him Interested
This first one's going to make you uncomfortable. Never be intimate with a man because you believe that's what will keep him interested in you. Intimacy is a two-way street: if you're not prepared for it, you have no obligation to participate in it. And notice this pressure usually isn't even coming from him. When you really want a guy, you get paranoid about losing his interest, and you create internal pressure around the timeline all by yourself. Underneath it is a limiting belief that men only stay engaged if you're offering physical intimacy. Completely untrue. The right man stays engaged even when your timeline isn't his.
And here's the worst part. The moment you speed up your intimacy timeline out of fear of losing him, the fear gets worse afterward, not better. Now you're spiraling: did he enjoy it, was he only using me for that experience? That fear exists because you were never truly ready for that step. Afterward you feel the guilt of recognizing that it was more for him than it was ever for you.
Never Neglect Your Tribe for a Man
It literally terrifies me how often I see this. Your tribe is your family and friends, the people who loved you unconditionally before this guy showed up and will be there long after. But when a new relationship feels perfect, the dopamine you get around him can't be matched by a regular hangout with your girls, so the man starts to feel like a drug. Slowly, all your free time goes to him. The people you used to text and call barely hear from you, and eventually they stop reaching out. You've isolated yourself until he is your only strong relationship anywhere in your life.
Then what happens when your sole source of happiness decides he wants to spend time with his friends instead of you? You're hurt, offended, distraught, and you literally don't know what to do with yourself when he's not giving you attention. From there it's a short slide into a desperate, jealous, stalking version of yourself with no life of your own, where the most interesting thing going on in your world is what's going on in his.
Never Fake Your Pleasure
If I ever catch you doing this for a man after we discuss it, I'm going to come to your house, take my belt off, and give you a whooping. And I mean that. You will never fake your pleasure to make a man feel better about himself. Never fake a moan, never fake a climax. It ruins the relationship for two reasons.
One, the longer the acting job runs, the deeper the hole. Admitting the truth gets scarier every week, so you keep faking to hide how long you've been faking. Two, every performance moves the two of you further from what pleasure actually is for you. He thinks he knows what you like, so in his quest to be a better partner he does more of it, and none of it is real. He's in there thinking he's the man, thinking he's got the best D game in the country, and you're staring at the ceiling counting tiles, waiting for him to finish so you can shower. That is not a relationship. That's a stage play with an audience of one.
Never Audition for the Girlfriend Position
Never try to prove you'd be a good girlfriend by doing everything a girlfriend or wife would do before he's ever expressed interest in making you one. There's nothing wrong with doing nice things for a man who's already investing in you. That's different from cooking for a guy whose feelings for you are very meh, cleaning his dirty room, washing the underwear around his bed, thinking, when he sees how good it is being with me, he'll want to lock this down.
Here's the problem: men know exactly how much investment they're putting into you. So while you're over there cooking and cleaning, he's thinking, she's doing everything for me and I'm giving her nothing in return. Only a desperate woman does this much for a man who shows her no interest. Why don't I take advantage of that desperation and let her keep doing everything while I keep doing nothing? You didn't audition your way into girlfriend. You auditioned your way into free staff.
Never Change Yourself Into What You Think He Wants
Never change your physical appearance based on what you believe a guy wants you to look like. You're a brunette with curly hair, but his exes and his whole feed are blondes with straight hair, so you change yours, hoping it makes him more attracted to you. Here's what you just lost: the ability to look in the mirror and judge for yourself whether you feel attractive. The changes aren't rooted in what you want, so only he can grade them. Just that fast, you've turned into the girl asking her man every five minutes if she looks pretty, because you genuinely don't know the answer anymore.
The personality version of this mistake is almost undetectable. You love dark humor, he doesn't laugh, so you suppress it. Then another piece, then another, chipping away and sculpting yourself into what he likes until you're a completely different person. Now every second with him is an act, and the act is exhausting. The personality you changed to get the relationship becomes the reason you never feel seen inside it.
Never Hand Him Your Time Before He Earns It
Never cancel already existing plans with friends or family to become his last-minute plan. When a man learns you'll drop whatever you're doing for him, he stops putting his best foot forward. There's no point planning ahead, no point making it special, because he knows you'll always be available. When you show a man who hasn't earned it that he's the most important thing in your life, he will always take advantage of it. He gets used to messaging you an hour before and having you delivered to his door like DoorDash, and once a man tastes that convenience, he never goes back to effort.
The same rule applies in reverse: never give a man your availability before he asks for it. I know the move. He hasn't mentioned plans in a while, so you text him that you're free Saturday from 7 to midnight and hope he magically realizes he wants to see you. Even if it works, you'll never know if he spent that time with you out of desire or out of pity. And you've taught him to be lazy, because if he just waits, you'll get restless and plan the day, the time, the location, the whole itinerary, and all he has to say is, okay.
Never Accept Habits You Can't Live With Forever
Listen very closely. Never accept a man's habits that you know you can't spend the rest of your life dealing with. The habits you see when you meet him are the exact habits you'll be living with years into the relationship. If you're not a drinker and he gets blackout drunk every weekend with his boys, that habit is the reason you cannot be in a relationship with him. Full stop.
The worst mentality is, I don't want this for life, but I'll deal with it for now because I really like him. Down the road you'll spend the entire relationship trying to break a habit he never intended to break, and by then you'll have invested so much time and energy that walking away feels impossible, even while the habit is driving you crazy. Decide at the start, when leaving is cheap, not years in, when it's expensive.
Never Try to Lead a Man With No Direction
Never, ever in your life attempt to lead a man who has no direction for himself. If he's lazy, always procrastinating, never has a plan, leave him exactly where he is and go be with a different man. Don't build his resume. Don't apply to jobs for him. I know the fantasy: if he gets more money, he'll feel better about himself, he'll treat me better, I'll have a better man. But if he isn't bothering to better his own life, that is not your project to take on.
When you provide direction to a man who has none, two horrible things happen. He wastes your time and energy accomplishing nothing you set in motion. And he ends up resenting you, because he feels emasculated that he needed you to save him. As crazy as it sounds, he will take your help as a dis to his manhood. You cannot love a man into having a plan.
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Questions women ask me about this
- Should I sleep with him so he doesn't lose interest?
- No. That pressure is usually internal, built on the false belief that men only stay engaged when intimacy is on the table. The right man stays invested even when your timeline is slower than his. Speeding it up out of fear just trades one fear for a worse one afterward, plus guilt that it was for him and not you.
- Why do men pull away when you do everything for them?
- Because men track exactly how much investment each side is putting in. When you cook, clean, and cater for a man who's giving nothing back, he doesn't read it as wife material, he reads it as desperation, and he takes advantage of it. Give to a man in proportion to what he's already earned, never as a pitch for the position.
- Should I tell a guy when I'm free if he hasn't asked?
- No. Volunteering your availability trains him to be lazy, because he learns that if he waits, you'll do the planning for him. And even when it gets you the date, you'll never know if he showed up out of desire or pity. Let him ask, plan, and schedule. That's how you see his real interest.
- Can I change a man who has no plan for his life?
- No. A man with no direction will waste the time and energy you invest and then resent you for trying, because needing you to save him feels emasculating. Men only change when their own pain demands it. Choose a man who already leads his own life instead of applying for the job of leading it for him.
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