If You’ve Never Had a Boyfriend, Watch This

Fix Your State of Mind So Your Man Filter Works

Picture a water filter, except it's a man filter. All types of men pour in at the top, high quality, low quality, all of them, and out the bottom should come only the few pure enough to earn access to you. That's how it's supposed to work. But your filter only functions when your state of mind is in abundance: when you already have love in your life through family and friendships, when you have an identity, when you wake up with something to be.

When you're in a place of lack, believing a boyfriend is what will finally bring you happiness, the filter breaks. It becomes an old, nasty filter that lets everything through, and every type of man falls straight to the bottom and gets access to you. And here's the math: low-quality men are the most common men in the world, so a broken filter mostly delivers low-quality men. If happiness doesn't exist in your life yet, this is not the time to hunt for a boyfriend. Build the abundance first, then let the filter do its job.

Only Date a Man Whose Intention Is Marriage

In your feminine energy, your job is to let your man lead. Which means before you ever hand a man that job, you'd better know where he's driving. A man with no intention, no clarity, just vibes, will lead you to the middle of nowhere, because a man who can't lead himself can't lead you anywhere. And after years of your time and energy, you'll look around and realize you're at a destination you can't even name.

So here's the standard: the only man who gets to be your boyfriend is a man who wants marriage for himself and his own life, and whose intention with you is girlfriend, then fiancee, then wife. You can't propose to yourself, and God forbid you ever get on one knee for a man, I will never allow it. So the leading has to be his, and the direction has to be checked by you, at the start, not three years in.

Why does marriage matter so much as the goal? Picture a mountain. Two sides climbing toward one peak. Your relationship will have fights, disagreements, maybe even a short breakup. What carries two people through the unglamorous parts is that you're both climbing toward the same peak, and that shared goal is what creates accountability. Without a peak, there's nothing to hold each other accountable to, and no way to compromise, because compromise needs a direction to compromise toward. And check the values that live under that peak, too: if you've dreamed of four kids since you were a little girl and he doesn't want children, there is no compromise. You cannot have half a child. Some pillars don't move, and pretending they might is how you waste years going in circles on something uncompromisable.

The Most Important Decision of Your Entire Life

I don't want to scare you. Actually, I do want to scare you a little: who you choose as a partner is the most important decision you will ever make. Getting into a relationship is like getting into a car. Car number one could drive you into a ditch. Car number two could drive you to a land of gold. Same road, same you, completely different life, depending entirely on the driver. So you need as much information as possible about who's driving: his intentions, his history, his vision.

Choose wrong and you don't just waste years. You can end up tied to a man, through a pregnancy, through entanglements, who becomes a thorn that drains your spirit, your energy, and your youth, and blocks you from your own potential. So take your time with this choice. When men talk about themselves, their lives, their intentions, sit there and listen intently. Stay curious. Never assume you already know enough. Ask questions, then more questions, talk to the people around him, and gather what you observe with your own eyes. A lot of guys will tell you exactly what you want to hear at the beginning. The choice is only as good as the information behind it.

The Single Box: Don't Let Pressure Pick Your Man

Here's a thing that happens in friend groups. You and your girls are all single together, and the single box is roomy and fun. You go out, you party, you laugh about tragic dates. Then one friend gets a boyfriend and exits the box, and it gets a little smaller. Then another leaves, and suddenly it's just you in a tiny, claustrophobic box while your girls are planning Christmas markets and gingerbread houses with their men, and you're the only one in the group chat with horrible dating app stories.

That subconscious pressure whispers: find someone, find anyone. And it turns into desperation that oozes out of your pores, in how you talk, how you walk, how you sit across from a man silently begging, please ask for my number so I can exit the box. That energy repels even the men who would have liked the normal you.

So when you're the last single one, remind yourself: your time will come. And it's far better to be in the single box with no worries than out of it, attached to a low-quality man who stresses you out and drains your energy. Fixate on your own abundance, not on forcing a relationship because your friends found theirs.

Guard Your Cup: Happiness Is Managed, Not Assumed

Imagine two cups, yours and his. Every time you cook for him, support him emotionally, show up for him, give him access to you, you're pouring your energy from your cup into his. In your feminine energy, you have an innate desire to nurture your man, and that's beautiful. But if you become so fixated on his happiness that you forget yours is also relevant, you end up in a vicious cycle: your cup hits empty, you scrape together a tiny bit of energy for yourself, and immediately pour that away too.

Choose the wrong man, a selfish one who only receives and never pours back, and that cycle becomes your whole life: permanently drained, giving every atom of your being to a man who returns nothing. So two rules. First, figure out what your happiness is with or without a man, and how you sustain it no matter who's in your life. Second, pour into your man in measured amounts, enough that he feels your care, never so much that you're left empty. They say happy wife, happy life for a reason: in a real relationship, he's pouring into your cup too, and you keep each other full, back and forth, on an ongoing basis.

Attraction Starts in Your Mind, Not His Six-Pack

Here's a mistake I don't want you making in your first relationship: thinking attraction is about how good he looks, the height, the muscles, the six-pack. For you as a woman, what happens in your body starts with what happens in your mind. The dynamic is the turn-on: feeling like you're with a real man who takes control, in the non-sexual sense, so you can sink deeper into your feminine. Feeling desired. Being treated like a princess. When all of that is in order upstairs, everything else follows naturally.

And here's the warning that saves you years of confusion: no matter how sexy he is, if the dynamic is wrong, if you stop feeling safe, desired, and feminine with him, the physical attraction will stop working, and you'll be very confused about why. Looks fade as a fuel source fast. The dynamic is the engine. So when you're evaluating your first boyfriend, don't ask, does he turn me on by how he looks? Ask, does my mind feel right around him, does the treatment feel right, do I feel deeply feminine in his presence? That's the attraction that lasts.

Meet the Friends and Family Before You Say Yes

There is an order of operations to becoming someone's girlfriend, and I'm begging you not to skip steps. First, the dates: you spend time with him and hear what he says about himself. Then, his circle: friends, coworkers, people who know him, where you check that what he told you is verifiable. Then his family, in person or even on FaceTime, for the secondary confirmation. Who he told you he was on the dates and who the people in his life know him to be should line up. If there's a serious misalignment, you have your answer, and he doesn't become your boyfriend.

Say yes before those checkpoints and you become what I call a ghost girlfriend: nobody in his world knows about you, and you know nobody in his. Isolated like that, you have no way to confirm that anything he's told you is true, no way to know if the character he presents to you matches the man everyone else experiences, no way to know if he's been pulling the wool over your eyes the whole time. The friends and family stage isn't a formality, it's where the most valuable information lives. Collect it before you commit, because once you do it backward, you'll keep discovering things that make you say, if I'd known this before, I never would have chosen him.

Comparison Will Steal the Joy From Your Relationship

Having a boyfriend is great, until you notice other people have boyfriends too. You'll fight, you'll discover his flaws, and right on cue, social media will show you couples who look perfect, women receiving treatment you've never gotten. They say comparison is the thief of joy, and in relationships it's a professional thief. You're comparing your full reality to their highlights, and their highlights will never show you the fights, the flaws, and the ways their relationship isn't perfect. They don't want you to see that.

So here's the real measuring stick: are the things most important to you being met? Is he intentional? Is there accountability between you? Are you climbing toward the same peak? Are your pillars and values satisfied? If yes, protect your joy and enjoy your man, and stay off the comparison treadmill. And one more thing about men you need to know: men snowball in whatever direction you speak to them. Tell a man he's useless and does nothing for you, and so shall it be, he'll live down to it. If he's genuinely treating you badly, don't complain him into the ground, leave. But if he's a good man who simply isn't an Instagram highlight reel, speak to the man you chose like the man you chose, and ask yourself the only question that matters: am I happy with him? Not, does my relationship look like theirs?