Listen up, soldier. We're going to get you a boyfriend, and we're going to get you a good one. Not the type that buys you a ring pop and holds your hand at recess. The type that protects you, provides for you, gives you princess treatment, calls you pretty, and rubs your feet when you're tired.
But if we're going to get you this boyfriend, we must prepare you for war, because there will be a lot of men who want to rip this opportunity away from you. Follow this guide step by step. If you don't, instead of ending up with a prince, you might just end up with a frog.
Step 1: Get Your Head Right
Let's practice with a scenario. You're at the gym doing squats, and the man you've always had a crush on walks over to ask for your number. Do you respond by being shocked and nervous? Showing him a bunch of interest? Playing it cool and telling your friends later? Wrong. The correct answer is D: do absolutely nothing. Why? Because you've come to expect that men absolutely love you. This isn't a surprise to you.
Repeat after me, soldier: men are obsessed with me. Not just a little bit obsessed. They dream about me. They fantasize about me. These affirmations are meant to turn you into a magnet. Not just any magnet, a man magnet, one that attracts men from every race, religion, culture, and ethnicity. The mindset comes first, because everything else in this plan is built on a woman who expects to be wanted.
Step 2: Build the Boyfriend You Want From Scratch
If I said I was taking you out for ice cream, you'd be excited. But what if I surprised you with the flavor? Your favorite is chocolate, and I come back with toilet paper flavored ice cream. You're not going to be happy, because getting ice cream isn't what makes you happy. Getting the flavor you actually want is. It's the same with a boyfriend. We could get you a boyfriend today, but that boyfriend could be a homeless man, and that's not very fun, is it?
So we build him on paper first, in four areas. Treatment: how you want him to treat you, what you want him to do for you, how you want him to speak to you. Character: the qualities he must possess, like accountability and integrity, with real examples of how that character shows up in a relationship. Humor: because humor is a version of communication, and if you two have different definitions of funny, there won't be much fun in the relationship. And passions: the most important one, because passions are what you bond over, and they're about to solve a very difficult question for us.
Step 3: Solve the Equation (This Is the Hard Part)
Now reverse engineer it. The equation is B plus G equals a relationship: your ideal boyfriend plus his ideal girlfriend. We already solved for B. Now we solve for G, and G is you. What traits would matter most to the man you just built? Go through the same four areas, humor, passions, character, treatment, and figure out what he would be looking for. Then take that list and either shine a light on those parts of your personality, or treat it as the list of things you must improve.
Here's why this is the hardest step: some of what your ideal boyfriend wants in a girlfriend, you don't have yet. You'll reverse engineer him and realize he wants a woman who knows how to set boundaries, and meanwhile you're still hanging out with one of your exes. As painful as it is, make the adjustments now. Otherwise you could finally meet your ideal boyfriend, only to discover he's not attracted to you.
Step 4: Go Where He Already Is
Where do you meet him? The answer was hiding in the equation. You already listed his passions, so list the places a man with those passions would actually hang out. You said you want a man who's passionate about health and fitness? There's a very good chance that man is in a CrossFit class. So you join the CrossFit class.
Day one, you see him, and he's exactly what you imagined. And he doesn't say a single word to you the entire class. You go home frustrated. But here's the best part: because you were smart enough to join the class, there's always next week. And next week, you notice him looking your way, doing his workouts a little closer to you. Now you practice being flirty without being obvious: direct eye contact when you catch him looking, a smile in his direction, body language open, warm, and inviting. And one day after class, as you're zipping up your gym bag, he walks over: how are you enjoying CrossFit so far? That's him breaking the ice. Smile warmly, keep it light, and let the conversation end the way it's supposed to end, with him asking for your number.
Step 5: Do Not Let Anxiety Sabotage You
This is where your anxiety wants to ruin everything. He has your number, he's texted, but he hasn't asked you out yet, and you're dying to hint at it. Don't. Exercise self-control and say nothing, and let him reach out when he's ready. Use time to your advantage: it doesn't have to be today. You'll see him next week at class, and he has your contact information if he really, really wanted to use it.
But time alone won't hold a man's attention, so you make it hard for him. You create a mentally stimulating challenge that forces him to think about you even more. When he finally mentions a date, don't be eager. Tease him a little about going out with a stranger, seem a little busy, jokingly ask if he's really worth your time. Yes, it gives you anxiety to playfully push back. But instead of reacting badly, he takes it as a challenge to put his best foot forward and persuade you, until you eventually say yes. Now we're talking.
Step 6: On the Date, Tell Stories That Shape the Narrative
You're on the date with your ideal boyfriend, exactly how you always wanted it. The work is not over. You like him, but he also needs to like you, so this date is where he gets to see the sides of you that you know will be most attractive to him. How? By telling stories that exemplify the exact character you want to highlight.
Want him to know you're firm with your boundaries? Tell him about the guy you were once talking to who you discovered was DMing random girls, and how you immediately never spoke to him again. Don't ramble. Be intentional with what you say and how you say it, choosing the stories and experiences that shape how you want him to perceive you. You are the artist of your narrative. Paint on purpose.
Step 7: Confirm He's Actually Him
Now comes the biggest challenge in the entire process, the mistake that could undo everything: skipping confirmation. You have to answer the most important question. Is this really your ideal boyfriend? Because you're smart enough to know men don't always present themselves as they really are.
Only patience, consistency, and a whole lot of questions will reveal the truth. Stay curious enough to get him to share, in detail, who he is and the relationships he's been in. Then confirm everything you learn through the actions he takes in the relationship, and through the friends and family you'll eventually meet. When his story, his actions, and his people all line up, then and only then have you accomplished the mission: a boyfriend who is exactly the flavor you ordered.
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Questions women ask me about this
- Where do I actually meet a good boyfriend?
- Where his passions already put him. Define the man you want first, including what he's passionate about, then list the places that man naturally spends his time, like a fitness-passionate man in a CrossFit class. You're not chasing anyone there. You're positioning yourself in his world and letting him approach you, with the advantage that you'll see him again next week.
- Should I ask him out or hint that I want a date?
- No. He has your number, and if he really wanted to see you, he would use it. Your job is self-control: say nothing, let time work for you, and when he does bring up a date, tease him a little instead of jumping at it. A playful challenge makes him persuade you, and a man who works for the yes values the yes.
- How do I know if he's boyfriend material?
- You confirm it, slowly. Ask real questions about who he is and his past relationships, then check everything against his actions over time and against the friends and family he introduces you to. Men don't always present themselves as they really are, so treat his words as claims and his consistency as the evidence.
- Why do I keep ending up with the wrong men?
- Usually because you never defined the right one. If you don't build your ideal boyfriend on paper, treatment, character, humor, passions, you'll accept whatever shows up, and whatever shows up is usually a frog. And check the other side of the equation: if the man you want values boundaries and you're still hanging out with your ex, you're not yet the woman your ideal man is looking for.
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