If a Man Does These 5 Things, Do Not Date Him

1. Endless Chitchat That Goes Nowhere

You are not going to date a textaholic. I don't care how good it feels, I don't care how fun it is. Here's the pattern: you match on Hinge, you're excited, you add each other on Instagram and Snapchat. Day one, messaging. Day two, messaging. Day three, maybe a FaceTime. Day six, more texting. Next week, still texting. Next month, and now you've invested weeks into a guy who asks about your day every day but never once says: I want to take you out so we can actually build something.

Chitchat itself is not a crime. But the men who want endless chitchat usually have no plans of actually seeing you. A lot of guys on the apps just want attention and validation, and texting a hundred matches is the microwave version of dating: quick, easy, zero effort. They don't want to get a haircut, look presentable, and court you in real life. They want cheap thrills from their couch. In this category you'll also find the pen pals: men, often long distance, who will text, call, and FaceTime forever without it ever culminating in real, in-person quality time. You cannot build a relationship with someone through a phone.

And watch for this cycle: he chitchats with you, sees you once, sleeps with you, chitchats for a couple of days, fizzles out, disappears, then circles back around and does it again. Round and round. You don't have to be impatient when you date, but you do have to be able to answer one question about any man taking up your time: is there real intention and real pursuit here, or is he just sitting back seeing where things go?

2. The Actionless Hero

This is the man of big promises. Me and you, we're going to Disney World. I'm getting an Airbnb, we'll spend a whole week together. I'm looking at jobs in your city, I might move there. It all sounds so heroic, like he's sweeping you off on a white horse to a land far, far away. And then nothing happens. Every new promise carries you on hope and excitement right up until the next disappointment, and just when you're ready to walk away, here comes a fresh promise to reset the clock.

Here's why this works on you. Say you have $2,000 in your bank account, and I tell you a winning lottery ticket is about to put $500,000 in there next month. What do you do with the $2,000? You blow through it, because in your mind the half million is already yours. You act in the present based on a promised future. That's exactly what his promises do: you start behaving like the committed relationship already exists, giving him everything now, based on money that never arrives.

The excuses give him away too. I want to date you, but I don't have enough money right now. Since when does asking someone to be your girlfriend cost money? I want to date you, but work is stressful. What does stress have to do with committing to someone you supposedly want? Direction isn't saying someday. Direction is a plan and visible action toward it. If he's a promise-aholic with no follow-through, you already know how this ends: stagnant, in the same place, three months from now and three years from now.

3. Influenced Attention

You're not going to like this one, but I love you, so I have to be real with you: not all attention is created equal. If the man you like only compliments you, only gets sweet, only blows up your phone when he's drunk, high, or turned on, that is not real attention. He never texts on a regular Tuesday afternoon, but Saturday at 2:30 a.m., leaving the club, suddenly he can call, FaceTime, and text you paragraphs? Take note. That's not him missing you. That's the influence talking.

The compliments will be intoxicating, you're the most beautiful girl he's ever met, he can't get enough of you. Compliments are great. Just track when they happen. If there's a crazy imbalance, warmth when he wants something, coldness when he's sober and satisfied, that pattern is telling you plainly what your value is to him, and it isn't partnership.

And here's the funny thing: these guys can't even sustain it. The cycle is always the same. He hits you up acting like he cares how you've been, wants to see you today or tomorrow, you get excited, he sleeps with you, a few days of chitchat, then it fizzles. Days or weeks of silence, even when you message him. Then he pops up again and the hamster wheel spins another lap. Step off the wheel.

4. He Complains Without Change

A man who complains about his situation but never builds a plan to change it is a man you can do nothing with. Say you're long distance: you're in Europe, he's in Miami, and the flight costs $2,000 he says he doesn't have. Okay, that's a real problem. But every time you FaceTime him and ask what he's doing, the answer is: playing Xbox. His money problem is blocking your entire relationship, and he spends his free time on NBA 2K instead of solving it. A year goes by. You never see him once. How is that sustainable?

You'll feel guilty about leaving, because he's in a tough spot and we all go through things. But listen: if he has no plan and no course of action, one year from now he will still have the same problems, and you will still be waiting. At what point do his problems stop being your problems? There will always be adversity in life and in relationships. That's exactly why you need a man with direction who knows how to solve problems, starting with his own. A man who can't fight through his own adversity will keep your relationship in limbo forever, and you'll stay frustrated the whole time you're being loyal to it.

5. The Man Child

Nothing wrong with a man enjoying himself, a night out, a few drinks. Human nature. But if you're dating a man you have to take care of, tracking his wallet and keys, making sure he doesn't get lost, doesn't end up face down in a ditch, doesn't have vomit on his shirt, gets home safe, you're dating a man child. I've watched women on the street holding their grown man up like a zombie falling into the bushes. It's sad, and I never want that to be you.

When you step out with your man, he should be the one making sure you're taken care of. That should be natural to him. You're supposed to feel safe with your man, and you cannot feel safe with a man you're babysitting. This is also why a couple of nice spaghetti dinners on a Saturday night don't tell you who someone is. See him in a plethora of situations, especially out with friends, and watch what he becomes. If what he becomes is your responsibility, take note, because you can't build anything with him. None of these five men are buildable. Spot them early, believe what you see, and give your time to a man who shows up with intention, action, and direction instead.