Have you ever felt confused by what men tell you they want, and isn't it weird how after you actually do the thing, you only get a negative response in return? Here's the answer: men are not good at communicating what they actually want, because what they actually want is whatever gets the best response out of them. And the four things that do that are things no man will ever ask you for: pace him, don't like him too quickly, give him a healthy fear of losing you, and reward his good behavior like you'd reward a puppy.
I'll warn you now, some of these are going to sound counterintuitive. No man you meet would ever say yes, please do these to me. But watch what happens in his brain when you do.
1. Pace Him, Even Though He'd Say He Hates It
Think about the kitchen example. A guy tells you he'd really like it if you cleaned the kitchen every single day. You think, okay, I'll do that and he'll be happy and appreciative. In reality, when you clean the kitchen every day, he doesn't appreciate you more. He gets lazier and asks for more and more until he doesn't want to do a damn thing. That's the pattern with everything men ask for: giving too much too early gets you the response you don't want, which is him not noticing you, not thinking about you, and giving you zero princess treatment.
So don't let a man trick you into letting this relationship get really intense really fast. That intensity makes him happiest in the moment, because he's getting what he wants without work. It does nothing for you. Pacing the relationship gives you space and time to learn him under different circumstances, to understand how he thinks and operates beyond a Saturday night sitting over a fettuccine alfredo. The one mistake that will always be a mistake is rushing into a relationship with someone you don't really know.
And understand this about men who want to sleep with you early: it doesn't make them bad people, it makes them human beings who are attracted to you. Your job isn't to sort saints from sinners. Your job is to say, I'm here to build, I'm going to wait while I evaluate whether you're who I'm looking for, and if you're not, you don't get access to me. Picture the first date going great, and he suggests a nightcap at his place. You say, I love this conversation, but I have to be up in the morning, and I want to get to know you more first. I'd love to go out again. That's pacing. And after you pace him, he begins to respect you for not jumping the gun and for having enough self-respect not to fall for the tricks. No man will ever tell you to do this, because why would a man ask you to make him wait?
2. Don't Like Him Yet, So He Has Space to Work for You
Here's something about us guys that won't make sense to you: we are hardwired to want to work for something in order to value it. It is very, very difficult for a man to see value in something he was handed without doing anything for it. When an Olympic gold medalist holds up that medal, they're not holding up gold. They're holding up the hard work it represents. That's what men need you to be: the thing they climbed the mountain, went through the cave, and fought off the bear to get.
When a man puts blood, sweat, and dedication into winning you, he builds emotional and spiritual investment in you, the human being. And that kind of investment is not something you can buy back in a store. Once a man has poured his energy into working for you, walking out of your life becomes genuinely painful for him, so he says, I want to make this work, I want to be consistent, I don't want to lose this for nothing.
Now here's the trick to watch for. Early on, some men will say, you never ask me out, you never plan anything, it's always me texting you, I feel like you don't really like me. And your soft heart wants to fix it: let me take you to The Cheesecake Factory, my treat, I'll adjust my schedule, I'll pick you up at 8. And afterward you're thinking, gee, he probably really likes me now. Meanwhile he's thinking, I just extracted everything I wanted from this girl and did nothing all day. How do I keep this going? A man can be in pain from doing all the work and still need to keep doing the work. Let him feel like every single day he's earned a tiny bit more access to you, a tiny bit more of your heart. Progress, levels, obstacles. Not the whole prize with you praising him for showing up.
3. Give Him a Healthy Fear of Losing You
If you really want princess treatment, care about two things in the relationship above everything else: respect and fear. Not fear that you'll hit him or pull a knife. The fear that says, my partner loves me, but if I act up, get disrespectful, or cheat, she will walk away and I will lose access to her forever, because she has self-respect. That's the good kind of fear. It's just enough fire under him to keep making good decisions.
Watch it work. He's at the club for his boy's birthday, girls everywhere, and at the end of the night one approaches him about an afterparty, and maybe staying over. Here's his internal math if you've set the standard: if I go over there and make a mistake, what happens to my relationship? Even if I just come home an hour late, I have to answer for it. I'd rather do the right thing when she's not around than risk an outcome I don't want. So he tells the boys, I love you, get home safe, I'm going back to my girl. Your standards affected his decision when you weren't even in the building. That's the whole point: subconscious accountability, not surveillance.
I am not telling you to be his mother, track his location, or text him every 20 seconds. You set the boundaries, standards, and expectations from the beginning, and men who mistreat you get no access to you. No re-explaining, no chasing. One great way to instill this early is stories: the graveyard of men who once thought they could disrespect you or play with you, and what happened to them after. You're just sharing your experience, but what he hears is, if I bring that same BS, I end up in the same place as those men. And if you explain a boundary clearly and he keeps crossing it, you cut him off. You don't ride the hamster wheel of forgiving the same mistake over and over hoping he'll change.
4. Treat Him Like a Dog: Over-the-Top Positive Reinforcement
I know this sounds stupid, so let me explain what I mean. You're already good at showing him negative feedback when he upsets you. What you're probably not doing is the other half: when he does what you want, give him an almost over-the-top positive response, the same way you'd praise a puppy you're really happy with.
Say you love getting flowers. He brings you flowers and you go, aw thanks, that's so sweet, and set them down. In your mind you're thinking this is the best day ever, but he can't see your mind. He only sees what you outwardly project, so what he registers is, damn, I guess she doesn't really care about flowers. Now run it back the right way: oh my God, these are exactly the flowers I've always wanted, how did you know? Big hug. Baby, I love you so much. Here's his brain in that moment: they're just flowers, but look how happy she is. Bro, you are the best boyfriend ever. You're the man.
The next time he wonders what to do for you, that memory is at the top of his brain, because feeling that appreciated was a memorable, impactful experience, and humans repeat whatever recreates a feeling that good. Men love giving princess treatment, but they love it even more when they get to feel like the man for giving it. It's a feedback loop on both sides: you do something for him emotionally, he does something for you, and the wheel keeps turning in your favor.
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Questions women ask me about this
- Why do men lose interest when everything moves fast at the beginning?
- Because men are hardwired to value what they work for. When the relationship gets intense fast, he's happiest in the moment, he's getting everything without effort, but he builds zero emotional investment in you. Pacing him forces the investment, and that investment is what makes him consistent and afraid to lose you.
- Should I start planning dates when he complains he does all the work?
- No. That complaint is often a trick, even if he doesn't fully realize he's running it. The moment you take over the effort, he learns he can extract everything while doing nothing, and he gets complacent. Let him keep earning small amounts of access to you day by day. He needs to feel progress, not arrival.
- How do you make a man afraid of losing you without playing games?
- You set boundaries, standards, and expectations from the very beginning, and you show him that men who mistreat you lose access to you completely. Tell the stories of what happened to men who tried you before. Then live by it: if he crosses a clear boundary repeatedly, you cut him off. The fear comes from knowing you'll actually walk, not from threats or monitoring him.
- Does showing a man too much appreciation spoil him?
- There's a difference between rewarding effort and rewarding existence. Praising him for doing nothing spoils him. But over-the-top appreciation when he genuinely shows up, the flowers, the consistency, the extra mile, wires his brain to repeat that exact behavior, because he wants to feel that good again. Reward the actions you want more of, and only those.
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