Isn't it frustrating how the men you date only seem interested in giving you the absolute bare minimum? You do not fix that by chasing, begging, or yelling. You fix it with a strategy: set the baseline from day one, reward the behavior you want, withdraw from the behavior you don't, pace his access to you, and keep your own fire lit so he never gets complacent.
Don't you feel helpless when the guy you actually like seems interested in doing absolutely nothing for you? Let's stop that from happening. This is a step-by-step plan to get you the man you actually deserve and the treatment you've always wished for, without you doing any of the desperate stuff that kills attraction in the first place.
Step 1: Set the Baseline From the Very First Second
From the moment you meet a man, you are setting yourself up for the future. I don't want you screaming and yelling to receive things later. I don't want you desperate, begging, and needy for princess treatment. Everything you do at the beginning is setting up the ideal situation where you can be in a relationship relaxing, chilling, and receiving a whole lot of good, nice, amazing princess treatment.
You start from level zero. He approached you because he wants to get to know you. Fine: you think he's interesting, you want to see what he has to offer. That's it. When you set that baseline, you help men reveal themselves. If he's here to manipulate you or take advantage of you, that's not what you're here for. If he's here to build with you and show you consistency, then you can get on board with that.
Ideally, you want the meanest version of you at the very beginning. Not mean as in making fun of him or putting him down. It's a quiet meanness: I'm not just going to open my legs, my heart, my mind, and my spirit up to you. You're a stranger. As you show me consistency and we build trust, then I open up. And you are not easily impressed by anything. Not money, not love bombing, not future faking about how amazing everything is going to be. None of that moves you. Observe people when you first meet them instead of taking them at their word. If you don't set the baseline properly, everything else you do gets thrown out of whack.
Step 2: Build a Positive Association When He Does Right
You want him to make the connection between good behavior and your affection. The signal is simple: I do this, she responds like that, that response makes me feel good, so I keep doing the behavior. That's positive reinforcement, and it cannot be something you think happens just by existing. It needs to land.
Say your boyfriend knows you need a new iPhone because your screen is cracked, and he shows up with one because he wanted you taken care of. That is the moment to pour it on: oh my God, you got me the new iPhone, you knew how much I needed this, thank you so much, you don't know how much of a lifesaver this is. Now, I've told you before not to hand out compliments to men for free, and I stand on that. Be strategic. Your compliments are the most powerful when they're not given away constantly. Save that warm and fuzzy feeling for when he actually does things for you: consistency, a gift, going out of his way, the extra mile.
When you give someone crazy appreciation for genuinely showing up for you, that does something to human beings. He feels good about himself, and he connects that feeling directly to treating you well. That is how you train a man to keep giving, without ever asking twice.
Step 3: Use Indifference, Not Yelling, as the Negative Association
Here's what most women get wrong. Men do not take yelling, screaming, and going crazy as I'm upset. They actually perceive it as love, because they figure you're only willing to act like that when you're obsessed with them. He starts feeling like the man: if she's crazy like that, I must have that thing that's making her crazy. When you act crazy, you're giving him a positive association with negative actions.
Negative association comes from indifference. When a guy does something you don't like, you ignore him. No energy, no time, no texting back. You withdraw yourself completely. That, and only that, is when men go, wait, is everything okay? I feel like something has changed here. Their alarm bells start going off because they think they're losing you. And that's exactly what you want: him on his tippy toes, worried about losing you.
Picture your guy joking in front of his boys about hitting the strip club, getting drunk, and sleeping over at some random girl's house. You just go, sure, do whatever you want, doesn't matter to me. His boys will look at him like, bro, you're so cooked. You've lost her. Because that's how men receive indifference. Then he's pulling you aside: babe, is everything all right, you're acting a little strange. And in his head the lesson writes itself: when I do this behavior, she withdraws, I hate that feeling, so I'm going to change the behavior. He adjusts because he doesn't want that feeling again.
Step 4: Escalate His Access to You Slowly
You want more from this man, and you want it to last. So you pace it. When you first start dating a guy, do not do the five, six, seven hour dates five times a week. Start small with one date per week. Over time, escalate to two. Then cap it at three dates per week, and you stay at three until you're his girlfriend. Even as his girlfriend, give him at least two days a week where he doesn't see you.
Here's why. Make yourself too available too early and he breathes you in as much as he can in one week, and then he gets bored. You want the opposite thought running in his head: the amount I see her is not enough. Once he starts thinking like that, you have him. He starts building a narrative in his own mind about why you're so much more special than all the other girls, which makes him want to see you more. Now you have a guy treating you differently because he believes you are different, and all you're doing is being yourself.
For some of you, spending six hours with a new guy is a mistake for one simple reason: after that he says to himself, great, I just spent six hours with her, I probably don't need to see her for the rest of the week. You don't want his candle burned out quickly. You want his desire building over time, despite whatever he says he wants. If you don't leave your man hungry, you're never going to receive more from him.
Step 5: Keep the Fire Lit So He Never Gets Complacent
Keeping your foot on his neck does not mean announcing, hey, don't get comfortable. You do it by staying hot, staying sexy, staying invested in yourself. Keep your confidence high, keep your priorities up front, keep looking in the mirror and saying I'm that girl. Step out of the house. Enjoy your life. Your girlfriends, your fun time, your alone time. That's how he knows: we didn't retire here. I'm not the only thing in your life.
You think guys don't notice, but they notice. They notice when other men are looking at you. They know when you're still very desirable. Don't abandon your life for your relationship, because the moment you let go of you, you allow him to get complacent and relax. There is no better treatment you will get than from a guy who's a little bit nervy about losing you. Not in a toxic way. Just nervy, because he understands you're a hot commodity.
And here's the part I love: you can put this pressure on men without doing anything wrong. When you invest in you, you make yourself inherently desirable, and men will always try you like hungry hyenas, relationship or not. You never have to chase to get more. You just have to never let go of you.
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Questions women ask me about this
- How do you get a man to put in more effort without chasing him?
- You train it from the start. Set a baseline where you're not easily impressed, reward real effort with serious appreciation so he connects good behavior to feeling good, and respond to bad behavior with indifference instead of yelling. Men repeat whatever gets rewarded. Chasing rewards the bare minimum, so you get more of the bare minimum.
- Should I ignore a man when he does something I don't like?
- Yes, and here's why it works when yelling doesn't. Men read screaming as proof you're obsessed with them, so it actually rewards the behavior. Indifference is what sets off their alarm bells. Withdraw your energy, your time, and your texts, and he starts worrying he's losing you. That feeling is what makes a man change his behavior.
- How often should you see a guy when you first start dating?
- Start with one date per week. Escalate slowly to two, then cap it at three dates per week until you're officially his girlfriend, and even then keep at least two days a week to yourself. Too much access too early burns his candle out fast. You want him thinking the amount he sees you is not enough.
- Why do men stop putting in effort once they have you?
- Complacency. If you abandon your life, your friends, and your own priorities for the relationship, he learns he can relax because there's no pressure left. Keep investing in yourself and keep your life full, and he stays a little nervy about losing you. A man who knows you're a hot commodity keeps his best foot forward.
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