10 Things That Make Men Choose You Over Every Other Woman

Be the Woman He Feels Better Around, Not the Cloud

Men start to associate the feeling we get around a woman with that woman. Say I'm dating two women. Every time I leave a date with the first one, I feel like life is good, the future is bright, I'm ready to attack the week. Every time I leave the second one, I feel drained, stressed, down on myself. Over time I stop thinking that's just my baseline and start thinking, this is what I feel around her. It's an exchange of energies, and it decides who I want to be around more.

Here's the part you need to hear: that light doesn't come from pleasing him. It comes from doing for yourself, addressing your traumas and your pain, because unaddressed wounds leak. Carry a major abandonment issue and the first thing out of your mouth becomes, why did it take you an hour to text me back at work? That cloud follows you everywhere and eventually engulfs him too.

Pro tip: if a guy is extra serious around you, no jokes, no playfulness, but he's the loudest, happiest man in the room around his friends, that's your sign the cloud is rubbing off on him.

Validate Yourself, Because Men Are Watching for This

You're really going to hate me for this one. Men who take dating and marriage seriously separate the women they'd build with from the women who live off attention. Getting attention on social media isn't a crime. But we can recognize the woman who is desperate for validation at all times, because that hunger is a monster that can never be satiated, and we know it makes a bad partner. We figure it out by talking to you and watching what you post and what you say about yourself.

The women men choose as wives validate themselves from within. They don't need male attention to feel beautiful or capable. That matters for one reason: security, knowing some random man can't walk up with a few compliments and a little attention and suddenly you forget everything we've built.

Stand on Your Morals and Values With No Exceptions

A woman who needs validation from everyone becomes a people pleaser, and a people pleaser will compromise her own values to keep the peace. You want respect, but you want to be liked even more, so when he disrespects you, you stay quiet. Don't stir the pot. Men recognize that pattern fast. Strong values don't show up in what you say, they show up in how you act, consistently.

And listen to me right now, because some men will tell you this lie: I respect your standards, but if a girl broke her own rules just for me, that would prove our connection is special. It's a trick on top of a trick. Compromise your morals for him and you've shown him the one thing you never wanted to show: you're willing to change your values for someone. Treat him exactly like every other man, no exceptions. He might sulk, but he learns your standards don't bend regardless of who's asking. Your values are a magnet: whatever you stand for, you attract consistently. No foundation means the magnet keeps changing, and nobody stays attracted to a different person every week.

Make Him Safe Enough to Open His Real Book of Secrets

Here's a secret that will probably shock you. Most men hand you a small book of secrets that aren't really secrets. Vague heart-to-hearts about a tough upbringing, deep enough to feel like sharing, shallow enough to cost him nothing. Meanwhile, every man carries a much larger book: the real traumas, the real history, the real character. Most women never find out that book exists, because most women fail to make a man feel safe, comfortable, and unjudged enough to open it.

Non-judgment isn't saying I accept you as long as you're who I want you to be. It's, I accept you no matter who you turn out to be, as long as you tell me the truth. When a man finds a woman who makes him feel that safe, it changes his life, and once you've read that real book, it becomes very, very hard for him to let go of the woman carrying pieces of his real self. Most women listen waiting for their turn to share. Be the one who listens to absorb, and you'll never be in the dark about what your man feels or wants.

Let Him Feel Needed, Even When You Don't Need Him

Men attach personal value to how resourceful we are, especially to our woman. The mistake independent women make is broadcasting that they don't need a man for anything. Maybe technically true. But when a man doesn't feel needed, he can't feel like he belongs in the relationship. Play into the damsel in distress a little: only the strongest, smartest, most capable man in all the land could solve this problem. As corny as it sounds, coming to your rescue is intoxicating for a man who's into you.

When we feel like the most useful, most valued version of ourselves around you, our blood pumps, we feel purpose, and we attach that purpose to you. A man who feels needed and appreciated finds it very easy to choose you.

Never Press Him to Choose You

This is the counterintuitive one. If you want a man to choose you, you cannot press him into it. The single most important part of a man choosing you is his own realization that he chose you. Nobody convinced him. He saw you, he desired you, he took the steps. When a man owns that decision, he holds himself accountable when things get hard. When he was pressured into it, he questions why he's even there.

So you never lead with, we need to text more, see each other more, get more serious. The moment you start pressing, he starts hunting for reasons you're not the one. You discuss the next level when he brings up the next level. And if you never press and he never moves things forward? Then he was never going to choose you, and you just saved yourself years of finding out slowly.

Diagnose Your Feelings and Keep Your Relationships in Their Lanes

Every relationship has conflict, so men pay attention to how you handle yours. Picture this: you're finally meeting his friends at a party, and some girl runs up, hugs him, wraps her legs around him, and he introduces her as his best friend from high school. That bothers you. Fine. The difference between women men choose and women men leave is what happens next. If your explanation is you should just know, or if I have to explain it you don't get it, followed by tears and silence, you two will never reach a resolution. Diagnose the feeling: was it the embrace, the length of the conversation, being introduced as a friend instead of his girlfriend? Then communicate it in a way he can actually decode. Sometimes men play dumb, I'll admit that, but sometimes we genuinely don't understand what you're feeling or why. The woman who can break it down is a woman who's easy to build with.

The second half is compartmentalization. Your man, your mom, your boss, your best friend, your coworker all play different roles, and the women men marry keep those categories separate. When everything merges into one confusing soup, your man starts feeling like he's competing with your boss or your best friend over conversations that cross lines. If he's your man, the relationship holds the priority position, with clean boundaries around everyone else. That's a woman who knows how to run a balanced life.

Take Interest in What He Loves, and Protect Your Own Light

Men accept that relationships mostly mean not getting our way, happy wife, happy life. So when getting our way also makes our woman happy, it's the best feeling in the world. Pick one thing he loves. You don't need to be knowledgeable, you just need to bring some excitement to learning it. If he has a men's league basketball game on Tuesday, tell him to invite you next time. He'll be confused: you just want to watch me play? Yes. You sit there, you clap, you don't know what a foul is, and you tell him his three-pointer was amazing. All the dopamine from doing the thing he loves starts attaching to you, because you're there when he feels it. When a man associates his favorite feeling in the world with one woman, who do you think he chooses?

Last, protect your balance. Energy gives and energy takes: if you can never say no, everyone else's needs outweigh yours until you're drained of the exact light that attracts men. So invest in yourself: the hair, the skin, the tennis, the yoga, the friends, whatever feeds you. Those are the women who make a man feel amazing just being around them. And the moment a guy says, I love being around her, you've won.