How to Detach so Men Fall in Love With You

Men Come Into Your Life With Their Own Goals

When you go on a first, second, or third date with a man, you're going to see a lot of good traits. He's kind, he's friendly, the vibe is right. Good. I want you to see those things. But you have to understand that the man across the table has a goal in mind, and that goal is to present himself in the best possible light so you'll be as attracted to him as possible. Why? Because he knows that if you like his traits and his energy, you're more likely to let him get access to you. Let's just be so for real.

Every human being has bad traits too. Maybe he's extremely jealous. Maybe he's unreliable. If he shows you too many of those traits too early, it becomes obvious you shouldn't sleep with him, so he simply doesn't show them yet. That doesn't automatically make him a bad person. It means the first few dates are a presentation, not the full man.

So detach yourself from the idea that this is going to be my perfect, amazing man just because the first few dates are going well. You're not anticipating things going wrong. You're just holding one honest thought: things are good right now, and there is still more to learn. I want to experience this man in totality, in different situations, before I make any assumption about who he really is.

The Chanel Bag Rule: Your Value Is Not Up for Negotiation

Let's have a little fun. Imagine you walk into a Chanel store and pick up the classic flap, the big girl bag you see on all the celebrities. The price tag says $10,000. Now imagine you carry it to the saleswoman and announce that you've analyzed the quilting, the stitching, and the craftsmanship, and you've decided this bag is actually worth $5, so that's what you'll be paying. How do you think that saleswoman responds? The bag stays $10,000 whether you agree or not. Chanel does not reprice the bag because one customer scoffed at it.

Here's why that matters. Too many of you place your personal value on how men choose to treat you, or in some cases mistreat you. A man treats you right, you feel more desirable. A man walks away, and suddenly you decide your value must not be where you thought it was, so you start doing what unserious men want: being easy, being available, answering every call and text, pulling up ASAP.

Detach your value from men's responses entirely. Some men will meet your confidence, your boundaries, and your self-respect and be attracted, because they're serious about a relationship. Some men will be repulsed, not because you're repulsive, but because they were looking for someone to use and you made it clear that's not on the menu. Repelling those men is not a loss. It is a necessary sacrifice to get the relationship you're actually looking for. How a man treats you is a reflection of where he is in his life, not a reflection of your price tag.

Detach From the Outcome, Not From the Experience

When you start dating a man, there are several real paths in front of you. You might become his girlfriend. You might slide into friends with benefits. You might realize it isn't working and break up. Wanting the girlfriend path is natural. You're not going to date a man hoping he never claims you. The problem starts when you become attached to that one outcome with this one specific man before you even know him.

Here's what that attachment does to you. You play the fantasies in your mind, the two of you looking at the stars, cuddling, the whole movie. Now you need him to be on board with the pathway, and if he isn't, no amount of kicking and screaming produces the outcome. Worse, because you're so desperate to stay close to the dream, you'll accept the friends with benefits version just to feel close enough to being his girlfriend. That is a mistake, and it comes from expecting a man you barely know to be someone in particular in your life.

You can enjoy the time you spend with him. You can acknowledge things are going well. What you cannot do is decide that this is some perfect man bestowed upon you to solve all your problems. The standard stays simple: is he showing up for me the way I expect a man I would actually marry to show up? If the answer is no, I don't care how badly I want a boyfriend. I'm not staying.

Some Men Will Disappoint You, and That Is Okay

This is the saddest one, so let me be honest with you. In the process of finding the man of your dreams, you will also find some garbage men. And at some point you might genuinely believe one of these garbage men is the man of your dreams, until you get to know him a little more and reality lands. Some men you like, some men you invest in, will lie, cheat, and disappoint you. You cannot control how people choose to treat you.

So control what you can control. Present yourself well, gather information, take your time. And when a man still disappoints you after all of that, understand that the experience is not wasted. Every heartbreak, every mask that slips, teaches you what you're looking for by showing you what you're not looking for. Your experience around garbage men is, strangely enough, part of what makes it possible to recognize your dream man when he actually shows up.

Let Him Show Up However He Chooses

When you detach, you allow men to show up for you exactly how they choose to show up. Two very important things happen when you do that. One, the man gets the space to say I want you, and to take action on that desire, which lets you stay in your feminine energy, receiving instead of pushing. Two, you stop being confused, because you're not scripting his moves or filling his silence with excuses. His choices tell you exactly what he feels and what he wants.

This is the main reason detachment makes you more attractive. A woman who gives a man room to act, and then simply reads the actions, is calm, clear, and impossible to manipulate. You're not chasing an outcome. You're watching a man reveal himself, and deciding whether he keeps access to you.

Evaluate Him Like It's Your Job

Here's the discipline that holds all of this together: constant evaluation. Not vibes. Not fantasy. When you live in a fantasy, it's usually because you don't want to live in reality, and if you were living in reality with the guy you're seeing, it would be very obvious you're wasting your time.

So check in with yourself on a regular basis. I said I needed a man who is respectful. Can I point to real examples of him being respectful to me, consistently, lately? I said I needed a man who sticks to his word. When he says he's going to do something, does he actually do it, and can I name the last time? If you start fumbling and stumbling, well, he's been busy, well, he meant to, that's your answer. If you can't think of a recent example off the top of your head, then it probably isn't very recent.

There's a difference between saying I like this guy, so I'll squeeze him into the mold of what I need, and saying I will like whoever actually fits the qualities and character traits I need in the man I'm going to be with. Don't pre-cast the role. When it's actually that guy, you won't have to talk yourself into it. You'll go down your checkpoints, respectful, reliable, keeps his word, and you'll have examples for every single one. That's how you know, not because you wanted it to be him, but because he actually met the criteria.