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10 Brutal Truths About Chasing Men I'd Share If You Were My Daughter
By Tomisin AtobateleFrom my video
Here are ten brutal truths about chasing men I'd share with you if you were my daughter. Why? Because I've watched countless women ruin their self-esteem and their love life chasing after a man who never wanted them. I'm talking drop dead gorgeous women who wasted years of their valuable life.
I love you way too much to let that happen to you. So this is the full presentation, everything you need to know and avoid as it relates to chasing men. Pay attention to every part, because if I'm giving my princess away, it's going to be to a man who treats her like a queen. Let's begin.
Pre-Selection: High Interest Men Select Themselves
Every guy you meet falls into one of three categories: high interest in you, medium interest, or low interest. All three are okay. What is not okay is believing it's your job to turn a medium or low interest man into a high interest one. That's not your duty, and it's not possible.
I call this pre-selection because the men with genuine interest select themselves. When a man desires you, he takes action on that desire: he approaches you, he talks to you, he starts the conversation. And the men who don't? The shy guy staring at his phone who can't come up and say something does not have high interest in you. Don't convince yourself otherwise. There are no ifs, ands, or buts here. The moment you start approaching, convincing, and doing for men in the medium and low zones, you are chasing, and he will punish you for it.
The Lottery: Her Success Story Is Not Your Strategy
This one grinds my gears. Every week someone tells me, I know a friend of a friend who chased her man and now they're happily married, so your advice is wrong. Let me kill this virus with an analogy. Say you know someone who won the lottery. Does knowing them raise your odds of winning? Would you quit your stable job because a lottery winner is in your circle? Of course not. Proximity to a jackpot is not a strategy.
For that one woman who chased and got the ring, there's a mountain of women who chased and got rejected, used, slept with, and left. They'll all tell you the same thing: don't do it. I want you building your love life on what works for the overwhelming majority of women, not on what one percent got away with. Because when you copy the one percent and it fails, you're the one sitting in the frustration, not the friend of a friend.
There Can Only Be One
In any dynamic there is one person pursuing and one person being pursued. Two people can't chase each other at once, and two people both waiting to be chased just gives you two avoidant people going nowhere. So the real question is only ever: which one are you? If you're the one pressing, planning the dates, doing the calling and the texting and the organizing, then he is the one being pursued. And a man being pursued moves away from you, because it's the most unnatural arrangement between a masculine man and a feminine woman.
So build the self-awareness. The moment you feel that pressing energy rising in you, be honest with yourself: I'm pursuing right now, and I need to take a few steps back. Because as long as you occupy the chaser's seat, he can never sit in it, and he's the one who's supposed to be in it.
Chasing Is What Lazy Women Do
This will sting: the laziest women are the women who chase men. Why? Because chasing lets you skip the harder work, which is gauging his interest. That skill takes self-reflection and honest observation: reading how he interacts with you, how he flirts or doesn't, and being able to say quickly, his interest is high, or his interest is low, and believing what you see.
Chasing is the blindfold. Deep down, a woman who chases usually already knows the answer. If she leaned back, stayed in her feminine energy, and only received what he was ready to give, his low interest would be exposed in a week. She doesn't want that answer, because she really likes him. So she chases to keep the facade running: don't tell me your interest level, just let me pour in effort so I can feel like it's high. That's not love. That's avoidance with better marketing.
The Shiny Truth: Chasers Only Get Less Interesting
Picture a graph with time along the bottom and his interest up the side. A woman who chases starts at her peak before she ever opens her mouth, because at that point he can still see her as a feminine, desirable woman. The moment the chasing starts, the line only goes down. If you've ever chased a man, you know this is true: he responded so differently when he barely knew you compared to after months of you pursuing him.
The women who don't chase run the opposite line. Their stock rises with time, because leaning back and receiving gives a man space to take action, and his interest grows in that space. And here's the cruel trap: the woman who started off chasing notices him drifting toward the shinier, newer women, so she presses harder to compete, and the pressing drops her value even further. You cannot press your way back to shiny.
Persistence Works on You, Not on Him
You're designed as a woman to grow feelings for a man who consistently shows up for you. The guy who wasn't fully your type, maybe shorter than you usually go for, but kept being persistent, kept bringing his best, kept showing up with roses and compliments, and over time you caught yourself thinking, huh, he's growing on me. That's healthy. His consistency signals he can protect, provide, and that he's serious. It's supposed to work on you.
The fatal mistake is assuming it works in reverse. It does not. When a woman does the absolute most for a man who isn't into her, he doesn't fall in love. He asks himself, what is wrong with her? In his head: a truly desirable woman would have men pursuing her constantly. If she's spending all this energy trying to grow on me, no man must be putting her in that position. And why would I want the woman no other man desires? Your dedication reads as evidence against you.
The Bullseye You Can Never Hit
When chasing becomes a habit, you lose yourself. You spend the relationship aiming at a bullseye called perfection: the perfect way to look for him, talk for him, dress for him, be for him. One day it's your hair color, another day your accent, another day the way you walk. And every time you get close, the bullseye moves, because you're not just chasing him, you're chasing his validation, and there is always a new thing to change to earn it. You can spend decades like that and never land the shot.
Now the part nobody warns you about: chasing also destroys your attraction to him. Attraction for a woman flows from seeing your man as the man. The longer you stay in masculine, pursuing energy while he leans back and receives, the more he stops being the man and becomes just a man. Then one day some coworker, some boss, some stranger makes you feel feminine for five minutes, and you feel a spark you haven't felt at home in years. That confusing void didn't come from nowhere. It came from a dynamic you built by chasing.
The Punishment, and the Standards You Stop Seeing
Men will punish you for chasing them. When you pour constant texts, calls, and validation into a man who isn't matching it, he takes that excess energy and spends it noticing other women, specifically the ones not chasing him. Guys are a little like dogs: you've never seen a dog excited about a ball that hits him in the face. He chases the ball that's thrown away from him. Men are hardwired for the chase, and since you've already taken the chasing role, he has to point that energy at the women running the other direction.
And the tenth truth is the quietest and the most expensive. Your standards are a threshold a man must meet to keep access to you: respect, dates, effort, consistency. But your attention can only live in one place at a time. When all of it goes to does he like me, does he validate me, what should I do for him next, there is nothing left to evaluate what he's doing for you. You don't consciously lower your standards. You simply stop checking them. And that's how a woman wakes up years deep with a man who never met a single one.
Want this lesson as a guide?
I turned this exact video into a free guide you can download and keep.
Questions women ask me about this
- Why do men lose interest when you chase them?
- Because there can only be one pursuer, and when it's you, he's forced into the pursued role, which is the most unnatural position for a masculine man. Your effort also reads as evidence: he assumes a truly desirable woman would have men chasing her, so your persistence makes him ask what's wrong with you, not what's special about you.
- Can chasing a man ever actually work?
- You'll always find one success story, the friend of a friend who approached her husband first. Treat that like knowing a lottery winner: their win doesn't raise your odds, and you wouldn't quit your job over it. For every woman who chased and won, a crowd of women chased and got used, rejected, and left. Build your strategy on what works for the majority.
- How do I know if his interest in me is high or low?
- Lean back and watch his actions. A high interest man selects himself: he approaches, initiates, plans, and stays consistent without you feeding him. If you have to prompt, remind, or convince him, you already have your answer. The shy guy who never steps up isn't secretly high interest, he's medium to low interest, and no amount of your effort moves that scale.
- What happens when you stop chasing a man?
- Reality shows up. If his interest was real, the space you create is exactly what lets him step forward, and his interest grows over time the way it does with women who never chase. If his interest was low, he fades, and that hurts, but it saves you from spending years doing his job for him while your standards go unchecked.
- Why am I losing attraction to the man I'm doing everything for?
- Because attraction for a woman runs through seeing him as the man, and when you're the one pursuing, planning, and carrying the relationship, you're in masculine energy while he receives. Slowly he becomes just a man to you. That's also why some random man who makes you feel feminine for a moment can spark feelings your own relationship hasn't given you in years.
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